It feels like a ball of really bright light which starts out next your heart. It increases in intensity becoming heavier as it elongates vertically reaching all the way down past your stomach. Your breathing and heart rate become painfully self-apparent. The light pulses, sometimes slowly, then faster, and with each pulse it tightens its grip.
It makes running seem like the best idea. Around the house. Around the neighborhood. Away. It becomes the only escape. For a while at least. Time passes annoyingly slowly, so you move fervently to try to make up for its lack. Finding things to fill the time is the only thing that makes it pass. You seek out movement to dissipate the excess energy. Thoughts race without logic, running on and on or in circles. It turns even the most trivial thing into a catastrophe. Failure feels certain. Possibilities are the enemy. It all runs together into a blur. Worry takes over. Functioning under its weight is overwhelming. Eating becomes obsolete, or at best, a chore, just to alleviate the shaking which you hope is a result of low blood sugar. And sleep, forget about it.
This anxiety. It begs not to be silenced by meds. You will be nothing without me, it taunts. We get so much done together.
Maybe so but what's the point? I want to know. When you make everything feel worthless.
I thought I'd figure out how to change,
But you never change.
~ Slow Runner
