Do I feel alright? No not slightly.
I have tried to think of a way to describe how I have been feeling lately, but I can't seem to get my mind around it. I wouldn't say that I'm sad. Or happy. Maybe a bit homesick. Anxious. Or tired. I don't know. Nothing specific is wrong. All I know is that I don't feel completely right. I don't feel like my normal self (and I'm starting to even question who that is). Worst of all, I have no idea why.
Do you think, everything, everyone, is going mental,
It seems to me that it's spiraling out of control and it's inevitable.
I had a nice time on vacation in Morocco. But Morocco left a bittersweet taste in my mouth. The country is truly gorgeous. The culture is captivating and the people are dynamic and friendly. And the food... But there came a point when I started to realize that the friendliness was not based on genuine emotions but rather on financial gain. And that disturbed me. I realize that the same things happen world wide, but for some reason I took this very personally. I mean is it fair to expect tourists to pay more than a native person, simply because they have more money in comparison and would pay that price in their home country? About as fair as going to a country for vacation and turning a blind eye to their social problems and not being willing to pay more money because you can? I began to lose my faith in the goodness of humanity (myself included).
Don't you want something else,
Something new, than what we've got here.
And as for 2007, I want it to be a year of change and acceptance. There are personal things that I need to change to become a better me. For instance:
I procrastinate. I procrastinate because I am indecisive. I can't make a decision because I overanalyze all of the possibilities. I do this because I am afraid. I fear making the wrong move and failing. I fear failure because I feel inadequate.
A pattern that needs to stop taking me in circles.
Why can't I sleep at night?
Don't say it's going to be alright.
Then there are things about me that I simply need to accept. I have to stop wanting to be someone else. I have to understand that changing my surrounding circumstances will not change who I am. So I guess that finding balance between change and acceptance is my priority. Because I have always been rather good at change, but acceptance (especially of a personal nature) is another story. I have to stop finding fault in everything that is me.
Maybe imbalanced is the best way to describe how I am feeling. Recently I find myself looking around and thinking What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. If any of this makes any kind of sense. My emotions are scattered. Nothing seems stable and I feel like a wanderer. I'm annoyed with my whining.
To celebrate Epiphany, we had a galette des rois and just my luck, I was the one with the fève in my piece, which denoted me as the queen for the day. I wore my paper crown throughout the rest of the evening. And no there really is no grand point here. I'm merely hoping that I'm not as neurotic as I would like to think.
Oh yes, I'm fine.
Everything's just wonderful.
I'm having the time of my life. ~ Lily Allen
2 comments:
"My emotions are scattered" sigh. i'm convinced its the age that makes us this way. this point in our lives. sometimes it feels mildly manic depressive at its most frenetic. its not quite that bad b/c its not like i ever have days where i don't want to get out of bed for any reason other than general laziness or sleepiness. but still! k maybe that was a bad choice of words. but its disconcerting to have so little control over my emotions.
i'm glad that someone else can relate to this lack of emotional stability. bc sometimes i wonder if i am losing my mind in this cycle of highs and lows.
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