sweet dreams

I can't sleep. I feel homesick...for food. I especially miss my dad's cooking. As well as all things peanut butter, from peanut butter and honey sandwiches to peanut butter M&Ms. I am longing for some good mexican food, like a burrito with rice, black beans, guacamole, extra hot salsa, and cheese. Or some thai food. And some cupcakes piled high with frosting and sprinkles. Maybe a warm underbaked brownie with french vanilla ice cream on the side. Mmm...

?

Why the hell am I eating foie gras? Wait, I like it? Do all french parties have to be themed costume parties? What exactly is Men at Work? Is housewarming not enough of a theme? What was that? Open champagne and vodka bar? Plaid shirt and a wrench, will that work? (No, I'm not a Canadian. I'm a mechanic.) What am I drinking? Umm, are you dancing? You want me to dance with you? Haven't I seen that sort of dancing before? (Ah of course, the Sims 2.) Where is my Sims 2 disc? And another thing, where in the world is the package that my mom sent to me, the one that was supposed to arrive on Friday, the one with the peanut butter M&Ms and the Sonicare replacement brush heads??? What is wrong with the postal system?

Jade: It's not as if my confused look needed more practice, it is just that I know how much you love these pics.

This sucks.

So apparently my body is falling apart.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat. And now I am sneezing up that sickness mucusy taste, which signals that worse is on the way.

Yesterday evening I had the worst headache, which is weird because I rarely get headaches. (And everytime I do, I say that same thing.) It was a terrible dull pain that was spread throughout my forehead. I took some medicine and went to bed early.

The day before that I woke up and my eyes were stuck shut. They hurt so much that I could barely stand to keep them open. I thought to myself, hot damn I have finally contracted conjunctivitis. Because ever since I moved here, I have felt that it would only be a matter of time with all the contaminated spaces that I encounter on a daily basis, between the metro (the poles, seats, handrails) and the public toilets (which ALL lack hot water and paper towels and sometimes even soap). Thankfully it was a false alarm; my eyes were irritated but not infected. I put a bunch of eye drops in them and by the end of the day everything was better.

But I still have this headache and the tingling in my throat is becoming worse.

I blog for me and for you.

Why do you blog?

When I was introduced to the idea of blogging I was immediately attracted. I liked the idea of combining words with visuals via the internet. I'm easily drawn to all things aesthetic. At that time, I never realized how powerful this medium could be (not only globally, but personally). I didn't know that it would have me clicking next blog like a natural reflex. I didn't realize that I would have pages of subscriptions from which I eagerly await updates. I never guessed that I would be encouraging all of my friends to start blogging (Seriously just try it just once. Everyone is doing it dude. It's super easy.) Or that blogger malfunctioning would make me so freaking angry!!! Bottom line: I LOVE blogs.

I spend too much time in the blogosphere. Reading, lurking, chasing links. Commenting, posting. Maybe it's my slightly addictive personality or my voyeuristic tendencies, but I would like to think that it goes beyond that. So what exactly compels one to blog?

Connection.

For some, blogging is a way to keep in touch with friends and family, a convenient way to share life's happenings. It can provide a means for release, a place where one can vent with freedom or even anonymity. Recounting the day's events becomes a source of clarity. Others blog to network, build relationships and communities. Some blog to remember, others to overcome. Informative, political, humorous, artistic, personal. The reasons for blogging are multifaceted, but the common thread is the desire to feel understood, connected.

I enjoy reading other people's written thoughts and feelings. I find inspiration in their creations, the way that they see themselves and the world around them. Blogging documents someone's journey through life and it opens up perspectives that one may not have been exposed to any other way. It reinforces the belief that one is not alone.

My blog gives me a little place where I reign. It doesn't have a specific focus. It is a little bit of everything, but mostly a lot of nothing. I blog for the interaction (personal and interpersonal) and for the expression. I blog to tell my side of the story. I blog to compartmentalize my emotions. I blog to share. I blog to strengthen my voice. I blog to create something beautiful.

So whatever your reason may be... Blog on!
(Or join in, because really all the cool kids are doing it.)

Hello, My name is Leela.

I am supposed to be studying today.

Come quickly, I'm drinking stars!

Today I ventured out to Ephernay and Reims in Champagne, to do what else other than visit wine cellars and taste champagne. I was going to write about my love of champagne and why it is my preferred drink and about how Ephernay is rivaling Vail as my place for retirement just so my grandchildren can say My grandma lives on Avenue de Champagne. But I decided it was better to stick with some unrelated musing instead.

1. There is a large community of people who use sign language in Paris. At least I think so because I happen to come across at least 1 group of people signing per day. Which supplied the inspiration for my best idea of the week (or month, if I'm unlucky). A good way to avoid unwanted gentlemen callers is to start signing in response to their approach. You don't have to know what you are signing, because they won't know either, so in most cases it will work without fail. Unless your cell phone starts ringing or something.

2. Why was this dude wearing a spinner watch?! I had to take a double take because I had never seen anything like that at all. And dude made sure that people noticed, because he kept on spinning it and everything. Assuming that I was behind the times, I had to google this nonsense, and I found that you too can own your a spinner watch (and there's more where that came from) for the low price of $29. My goodness.

3. I really hate the damn Facebook. You may recall that I was forced to take a hiatus from the Facebook early last year, because it was making me want to stab somebody, and I'm not even a violent person. Well really I had no intention of returning, but everyone kept insisting that it is a good way to keep in touch with people. Peer pressure is a bitch. Although also, I did not want to feel like I let something so trivial get the best of me. No, it's not the Facebook itself that I hate, because it is only a tool. I hate that it reminds me of things that I would much rather forget (i.e. 2005 - Year of the Fool (aka me)). It is also a bit disturbing how some things and people never seem to change.

4. Time is FLYING!!!!! It could just be me getting old, but I feel like time is passing so quickly. I will be home in less than 5 months (theoretically), which always leaves my emotions teetering somewhere between bitter and sweet.

Time is relative.

So apparently I am operating on GMT-3 time, which isn't a problem except that I live in the GMT+1 time zone. I can't sleep at night. I have always been a night owl, but this is getting out of hand. I find myself wide awake at 3 AM, looking at the time, scolding I need to go to sleep. I have to wake up in the morning. But it does no good, because as Jade reminds me "I can never do right." 5 more minutes, I need to finish reading this article. I'm not even sleepy yet. Then finally when I do go to bed, I lie awake distracted by my thoughts, sometimes for minutes, usually for more. I feel compelled to move. When changing positions starts to bore me, I get up to get a drink of water or reapply night lip balm or adjust my bedding. I am restless. My brother has also noted that my teeth clenching during sleep has progressed into audible teeth grinding. This is a problem. A friend has suggested that I try bathing before bed (I'm not too keen on baths) or drinking relaxing herbal tea (which does bring back fond memories of restful nights facilitated by tea and rum...or maybe that was just rum). Whatever the case may be, I need to get my biological clock back on schedule. Speaking of schedules (ignore the fact that it is at least 2 weeks past Boxing Day, this is France), I have been informed that tomorrow the after-Christmas sales will commence. That may just be reason enough for me to go to bed early tonight.

champagne + Lily Allen

Oh Jesus Christ Almighty,
Do I feel alright? No not slightly.

I have tried to think of a way to describe how I have been feeling lately, but I can't seem to get my mind around it. I wouldn't say that I'm sad. Or happy. Maybe a bit homesick. Anxious. Or tired. I don't know. Nothing specific is wrong. All I know is that I don't feel completely right. I don't feel like my normal self (and I'm starting to even question who that is). Worst of all, I have no idea why.

Do you think, everything, everyone, is going mental,
It seems to me that it's spiraling out of control and it's inevitable.

I had a nice time on vacation in Morocco. But Morocco left a bittersweet taste in my mouth. The country is truly gorgeous. The culture is captivating and the people are dynamic and friendly. And the food... But there came a point when I started to realize that the friendliness was not based on genuine emotions but rather on financial gain. And that disturbed me. I realize that the same things happen world wide, but for some reason I took this very personally. I mean is it fair to expect tourists to pay more than a native person, simply because they have more money in comparison and would pay that price in their home country? About as fair as going to a country for vacation and turning a blind eye to their social problems and not being willing to pay more money because you can? I began to lose my faith in the goodness of humanity (myself included).

Don't you want something else,
Something new, than what we've got here.

And as for 2007, I want it to be a year of change and acceptance. There are personal things that I need to change to become a better me. For instance:
I procrastinate. I procrastinate because I am indecisive. I can't make a decision because I overanalyze all of the possibilities. I do this because I am afraid. I fear making the wrong move and failing. I fear failure because I feel inadequate.

A pattern that needs to stop taking me in circles.

Why can't I sleep at night?
Don't say it's going to be alright.

Then there are things about me that I simply need to accept. I have to stop wanting to be someone else. I have to understand that changing my surrounding circumstances will not change who I am. So I guess that finding balance between change and acceptance is my priority. Because I have always been rather good at change, but acceptance (especially of a personal nature) is another story. I have to stop finding fault in everything that is me.

Maybe imbalanced is the best way to describe how I am feeling. Recently I find myself looking around and thinking What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. If any of this makes any kind of sense. My emotions are scattered. Nothing seems stable and I feel like a wanderer. I'm annoyed with my whining.

To celebrate Epiphany, we had a galette des rois and just my luck, I was the one with the fève in my piece, which denoted me as the queen for the day. I wore my paper crown throughout the rest of the evening. And no there really is no grand point here. I'm merely hoping that I'm not as neurotic as I would like to think.

Oh yes, I'm fine.
Everything's just wonderful.
I'm having the time of my life. ~ Lily Allen

there's always next year

New Year's Eve always manages to suck. Not because anything terrible happens, but because it is overrated. I am guilty of buying into the hype and expecting too much from New Year's Eve. I mean, you are expected to go someplace spectacular, dress fabulously, and have the absolute best time to celebrate the past year and start off the next one. People have these elaborate plans set up months in advance. So when you have a normal time which would be considered a good time any other day of the year, on New Year's Eve, it is disappointing. So forget you New Year's Eve, there are 364 other days of the year to party. Plus, what kind of way is it to start off the new year drunk anyway. Okay, now you know I'm just being bitter.