I guess that I never got over it the way that I thought, since it is bothering me again. This calls for reflection (not to be mistaken for obsessive over-analyzation.)
A long time ago, he called me heartless. Heartless.
Defined as: unfeeling; devoid of compassion or feeling; unkind; unsympathetic; harsh; cruel; pitiless.
(To be fair, he called me a lot of other things, but this particular word has stuck with me for whatever reason. That reason might be because maybe some part of me fears that he may have been right.)
Heartless?!? Me?! Seriously though, heartless?
But he's not the only one that has felt this way. I have been told that I can be standoffish. At times distant. Sometimes those who should, do not feel close to me. Is it just part of my character? Am I a private person? Or is that an excuse offered to avoid change?
None of the above.
I don't want to be a cold person. I am not heartless. And I definitely don't go out of my way to be mean to people. I care about the people in my life deeply. So what's going wrong? Apparently the problem must be that I don't show it in a way that is received well. I need to do something about that. Which means I have to make an effort to express my feelings and affection. Because I want my loved ones to know how much I care about and appreciate them. I need them to not only know it, but be able to feel it. This has really been tormenting me lately. (It's probably not helping that I keep listening to Ice Box by Omarion and wondering if that is how I am. Although that is not the same situation really. So I can safely assume no.)
Not to imply that I am in any way evil or that I would like to turn into a boy, but writing this made me think about the Care Bears movie. Remember at the end, when Dark Heart turns into a boy and changes from evil to good and he starts turning cartwheels?
Bottom line: Please be patient with me. I'm working on it. Why? Because really...I care! I care! I care!
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2 comments:
reflection is good, i do it all the time! lol.
no, but seriously, i am very proud of not only a new blog entry but also the maturation i see right before my eyes. I think that it is great when introspection leads to not only the discovery of a fault, but also a desire to change the way things are, a desire to improve and the courage to go through change in order to become the beautiful butterfly we all know you are.
i love you the way you are, but i am very pleased with your desire to grow in a positive direction and very happy to say i'm joining you on the journey (thank you daddy velayudhan!)!
Kudos
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