LOL

So I know that there are things that are less than socially acceptable to be done alone. Like drinking or going to the movies or a restaurant or eating a gallon of ice cream on the sofa. It's a good thing that behaving in a socially acceptable manner is not always high on my list of priorities. I tend to laugh by myself, not about stuff occurring around me, but rather stuff that I think about, in my head. For instance, my mother is what the French would refer to as une technophobe. She is not very good with electronics - computers, cell phones, DVD players, basically anything. A while ago, she finally learned how to send text messages, which is no small feat for her, a woman who couldn't figure out how to get the second and third letters on a cell phone key (she knew that by pressing 2, she could type the letter A, but she didn't know how to get the B or C). All the contacts in her phone book were in a strange code that only she could decipher. Now as if that isn't hilarious enough, she didn't know how to type a space, so all of her messages were like howareyoudoing or haveanicedayiwillcallyoulater. When she finally figured that out, she moved on to trying to use abbreviated lingo in her texts. Everyone wants to be cool, you know. She started to write messages that sounded like English was not her first language, Maybe u c a nice pair at another store where r u finish class was her way of saying Maybe u will c a nice pair at another store. Where r u? U finish class? Yes, she is special. She is my mother. Now my brother wasn't so amused or patient. One day after receiving a text from her, he sent her one back that read This phone is not able to receive text messages. He told me about it and we both had a good laugh. But really, I didn't think that she would fall for it. I forgot all about it, until like a couple weeks ago, when she said she was trying to get a hold of him. I suggested sending a text message and she said No, I can't. His phone can't receive text messages. I was confused, like What are you talking about? And then I remembered and I cracked up, like You actually believed that!?!? And she was too confused. I tried to explain the story to her and she kept arguing with me, telling me that no, that she got a message and he can't receive text messages. OMG, maybe you had to be there. But yes, I laugh by myself around other people at memories that only I have. If you happen to ever see me break into laughter, just smile, or better yet, laugh with me.

the time being

Daylight savings time. Woot! An extra hour, which I have decided to spend lounging in the bed with a bowl of ice cream and the computer. Last week Sunday, my phone told me that it was daylight savings time and it reset itself. So I was thinking, hmmmm okay. I called a friend to find out if it was true and she told me no, that daylight savings time was a week later. I tried to change the time on the phone, but everyday at midnight it would reset itself. After a week of that confusion, the time will finally be correct.
I have been spending too much time at work. Which I suppose in a way is a good thing. Ever notice how scrubs look a lot like prison uniforms? Coincidence? I think not. Anyway, there is a really sweet woman at my work who I sometimes talk to during lunch. After finding out that I only have 1 brother (in comparison with her 8 siblings), do not have any family living with me in Denver, and am single, I have become her new project. She is determined to find a mate for me. First it was one of her single brothers, now it is one of her co-workers. I don't know what to do. Being single is not a curse. I mean, some people like being single. Maybe I am one of them. Maybe that is just the way that God made me. Say you have this friend who was recently dumped. I mean DUMPED, like totally unexpected in a completely public place. Her feelings were crushed and she didn't know how to take it exactly, because she hadn't been dumped in years. I'm talking like more than 5 years ago, because truth is she wouldn't open herself up to situations that would enable that. BUT, she decided that it is time for a change, because change goes so well with age, you know. So she decided to take a chance, because taking chances is what life and learning are about. All of her good intentions and efforts got her nowhere. At least nowhere she wanted to be. Obviously that is a sign from the Lord that she doesn't belong in a relationship. Kenisha said, "Fine then Leela, just be single forever." Well maybe I will. Thank you very much.

my dad, my inspiration

My dad gives the best gifts. Several years back, instead of receiving birthday gifts, my brother and I agreed to donate the money to New Life Charitable Trust, a non-profit organization which cares for children and elderly people without families in India. On our birthdays, our donations sponsor their meals and they say special prayers for us and send photos. It's amazing how little money is needed to feed more than 100 people by Western standards. It's so easy to become too wrapped up in one's daily life and problems and take things for granted. My dad makes sure that we recognize how truly blessed we are and reminds us of our responsibility in sharing that with others.

My dad has done other work with them as well and always makes a special trip when he is in India. I haven't been able to visit yet, since I usually spend most of my time in India with family in Kerala, but next time I go (hopefully summer of 2008) I will be sure to visit. There is a cow named Leela, which delivered a calf, which was named after my brother. So anyway, if interested, visit the website to see all of the projects they are working on and ways to help.

party time!!!

I don't think that OJ should be prosecuted for his actions in Vegas. In fact, he should be able to sue the city of Vegas for renegading on their slogan that "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

So that was my dad's letter to the editor of the Grand Junction Free Press a week or so ago. And they published it. Anyway, the relevance of this (other than providing tangible evidence that foolishness is genetic) is that tomorrow is my birthday and I am going to Las Vegas. Now the last time I went, I had a bit of a rough time (understatement). But so what! I'm going to Vegas tomorrow and I don't give a f*ck cause it's my birthday!!!!

Sometimes my friend Jameel really sucks. I keep him around though I guess since he is my oldest friend and all, but still, he can really suck at times. It's like he just isn't thinking or something. I don't even know. For instance, there is the time that I was in San Francisco and he totally abandoned me for this Polish girl. Or how he agreed to do this web design work for my brother and kept postponing it until it was obvious that he had no intention of doing it. Did I mention how when he came to Europe last year, he did NOT visit me in Paris, yet he managed to go to Paris this year after I had already returned home? Okay fine fine, to be fair, he does do a lot of nice things too...right...moving on.

I guess the best part about true friends is that they accept you as you are without expecting you to be perfect. And they forgive your mistakes. They can piss you off, you can disagree and fight and know that you won't lose that person. You know that you will remain friends through good and bad times alike. And it's through those difficult times that you truly grow together.

So Jameel, thanks for not sucking so bad this weekend.
I guess I kind of love you too.

okay Stace, maybe you are right

I shouldn't give up on blogging.

I was told that I need to grow a thicker skin. I am overly sensitive. I take things way too personally. Fine, I recognize this. I know that I tend to find a way to interpret things as being a result of my own inadequacies. Habit, I suppose. A bad one. I beat myself up over things which I have no control over. This is where the theory I suck at life comes into play. It's always my fault in some form. Now when I look at things from afar and add a bit of logic, I know that this is not the reality of the situation, but those emotions can be awfully relentless. Still, recognizing the problem is half of the battle, right? Okay, that's great, but changing the behavior is the hard part, the part that seems to have me baffled. Well, what if I were to say that I am determined to overcome this flaw, no matter how arduous? You would want to know how. I don't have all the answers, but I have an idea of where to start. I have to stop setting these ridiculous standards by which I judge life and assign value. Taking chances is a part of growing up. I need to accept that I am human. Humans make mistakes; it's natural. So I guess what I'm trying to say is there is no reason for me to go into hiding. Sometimes things will be great, other times they will suck, but I will still be me and life will continue.

apologies

As if it isn't completely clear, I am retiring my blog. My head is clouded, my heart hurts, everything is wrong. Maybe I'll return if when this nightmare abates.

like a skinny kid loves cake?

I love to bake. Typically I don't bake as much as I would like to because I need people around to eat it. So I tend to bake when there is some kind of event, otherwise I give the stuff to coworkers and friends. Lately, I have been baking a lot of cupcakes. I love cupcakes because they are super cute and fun to decorate. I gave last week's cupcakes to my neighbors, the apartment complex manager, and him and his 2 roommates. I have a reputation for making fabulous desserts (for the most part, lol, accidents happen, okay!).

A couple years back, my roommate Kenisha asked me to bake the cakes for a going-away party that she was hosting for her then boyfriend who was moving to LA. The party was being planned by her and his mother, who lived in Arizona and was coming to Colorado for the event as well as to help him move. Anyway, as they were figuring out what they needed to buy as far as decorations and sending out invitations and such, Kenisha let his mom know that I would be taking care of the cakes so they didn't need to order any. On the day of the party, I went over to Kenisha's house and as she was introducing me to his mom, she took one look at me and said Bones is going to bake a cake?!? I just stood there in shock. I thought that when you said you had a friend that was going to make the cakes, it was going to be some big ol' girl. Bones can't bake a cake. She continued as if I wasn't even there. My feelings were crushed. I didn't even know what to say. Kenisha told me to just ignore her (and as I spent more time around her, I realized that she lacks a bit of couth). I put it out of my mind, baked the cakes and they looked and tasted great. Nevertheless, to this day, what she said comes to mind, except that now instead of hurting my feelings it makes me laugh.


Today I baked chocolate fudge cupcakes topped with mocha amaretto buttercream frosting. They are extremely rich and delicious (unless of course you don't care for chocolate and/or coffee). Baking is like the perfect blend of science and art. So yes, bones can bake a cake. Thank you very much.

Is it true that Miss Cleo is going to be on The Surreal Life?

So I headed out this morning in pursuit of a couple of envelopes and some stamps. Three hours later, I found myself carrying a new TV up to my 5th floor apartment (all by myself, respect the muscle power). My old TV broke last year a couple months before I was scheduled to leave the country. The screen just went completely black one day (though the sound continued working fine). Everyone said that it wouldn't be worth having it repaired and that I should buy a new one instead. I figured it best to go without for a while and buy one when I returned. Now normally when I need to make a big purchase which involves a lot of different possibilities (commonly electronics), it takes me a long time. My usual process consists of online research and reviews, store visits, and price comparisons followed by an indefinite state of indecision and inactivity. After a while, I restart with the research because by then there are probably new products to consider. Eventually, I do come to a conclusion. Even if it takes me a bit longer, I don't mind too much, because I need to feel satisfied with my choice and cannot deal with buyer's remorse. Although I do have to admit that the whole process can be frustrating, especially when it is something that is more essential, like a television. If it was simply about me not being able to watch TV then it wouldn't have been such a pressing issue, because I have gotten used to not having one around. But when you can't invite someone over to watch a movie with you, it becomes a problem. And the Wii wasn't looking very impressive sitting around in its box either. I bought a TV, I'm happy with it, and what's that? I scheduled an appointment for cable installation tomorrow, gasp. Finally, I can watch all the shows that everyone is always talking about like Making the Band 4, Baldwin Hills, and all the other stuff they won't put online. Not to mention, no more watching episodes online constantly being interrupted by buffering. Movie previews, commercials, music videos. Finally, I am rejoining contemporary society.

Predictions for the upcoming week:
Want to come over and watch a movie with me? I made cupcakes.
We should watch The Hills together on Monday. Stop by around 7.
Wii party over here!!!!

stupid

Apparently, I like being stressed and anxious. Love it, in fact. Because if I didn't then I wouldn't insist on getting myself all emotionally worked up when my brain is thinking logically and telling me to calm down and reminding me that other times when I have felt this exact same way, things have always turned out fine and to put more faith in God and stop trying to make my own plans only to end up upset when they don't work out the way that I had planned, but end up working out perfectly according to God's plan. And everytime, every single time, every single fucking time, I look back and I laugh at myself for being so foolish. Yet, I continue to do it again and again. WHY?!?! That's the part I can't get. So the answer must be that I enjoy it.

All's fair in love and war, right?

I'm sitting at home watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days with a cool glass/bottle of shiraz, and it got me thinking about how the boy that I am dating is absolutely great. Attentive. Caring. Thoughtful. Affectionate. Catering. Dare I say...perfect. So perfect, that he makes me look like a complete ass. I mean what do you do when you are telling your friends stories and they are like Wow, he is so sweet! God Leela, how could you say that, you are so mean. Like what?!?! You are supposed to be repping Team Leela. Team Leela for life!!!! You are my friends! You should be saying If he ever hurts, he will have to answer to me. But nooooo, it's more like, Leela, please don't screw this up. Please. Leela, please. And believe you me (isn't that the weirdest expression), I have no intention of purposely messing things up. So you people can stay off of Team him (with all of the Leela, why?!?/Leela, what exactly is the problem?!?! comments) because guess what, there was a merger and we are now Team Us. So there!

The Libra Woman
Your date's charm and elegance masks a profound insecurity that her whole life is superficial. She might seem like she has it all, but she feels the scales aren't in her favor, continuously missing some part of herself that was never there to begin with. Clue: You can't complete her and don't try to fix her. She's not broken, just broken hearted...that the world isn't as beautiful and fair as she wants to believe. Help her to accept what's available rather than what should be possible.

oh little brother

My brother has a beer bong in the garage. When my dad asked, he told him that it was part of a science experiment. My dad said I'm not stupid.

whoa, it's August!?!

I dislike public speaking. Mainly because I'm just no good at it. I had to give a presentation in class today on a paper entitled Little Evidence for Developmental Plasticity of Adult Hematopoietic Stem Cells. Riveting, I tell you. But the point is that I hate giving presentations because I always get ridiculously nervous. No matter how much I remind myself to command the deeper voice, I end up talking way too fast in a super high-pitched tone. And although I'm not one of those people who repeats umm, I repeat and instead, automatically turning all of my sentences into run-ons. At some point, I tend to lose my train of thought, because I'm so focused on my anxiety and then I scramble to regain control. It could be worse in my mind than reality, but still it's not a pretty sight. Basically I don't think that I like being the center of attention. It makes me nervous. I'm probably being too self-conscious. Anyway, to my surprise, today I overcame my usual nervousness. I spoke calmly and clearly without fear of being asked questions that I wouldn't have answers to. And I felt great doing it. It may be a residual effect of that wine flight that I had last night. Whatever. Don't rain on my parade.

a little bit late, but still...

I was tagged by Jess, so here goes...

Rules:
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I do not like carbonation. I never have. So I don't drink soda or other carbonated beverages. I don't like the fizzy sensation. When I first began drinking beer, I used to swirl and let my beer sit and repeat until it went mostly flat. Everyone thought it was gross. (Exception: I love champagne.)

2. I have always been a late bloomer. I use that as an excuse for my awkwardness.

3. 11:11 is my favorite time.

4. Drains and raw meat disgust me. (I'm not too fond of most cooked meat either.)

5. I am accident prone when it comes to burns. Flat iron, curling iron, oven/stove, basically anything that gets hot, I manage to burn myself with every opportunity. If I didn't have at least one burn on my body at all times, I might start to worry.

6. I lived in Panama in the late 80s during US occupation of the Panama Canal Zone. During Operation Just Cause, I remember not being able to attend school and having to remain low to the floor in the house at mealtimes. As a result, crisis situations, such as storms, always give me a calming sense of togetherness.

7. Boba tea makes me ridiculously happy. It is probably the caffeine, but I prefer to think there is something magical in those balls of tapioca.

8. Showering is great. I shower at least twice a day.

In direct violation of rule 4, i shall not be explicitly tagging 8 people. If you want to be tagged, then go ahead.

I guess I'm disturbed.

You [mixed people] like to think you are special, so you create your own problems.
- name withheld

One of the earliest childhood dilemmas arises when encountering the racial classification survey. Choose a racial category. I remember seeing that for the first time on a standardized test in elementary school. Can we choose more than one? someone asked. No, choose only one. If you are more than one race then choose the one which you are more of. That didn't really sit well with me since 50% and 50% are equal. Well, just pick other. What exactly is other? I didn't know. I blackened in the circle. Other. Okay.

As times changed and having the option to choose multiple categories became standard, things got easier. Black or African American. Asian. And in the rare case when choosing more than one classification wasn't an option, I always had my sentimental other to fall back on. Some other race. Biracial. Other, please describe.

But yesterday this issue resurfaced in a new light as I was completing a job application survey online. Only one choice was allowed so I instinctively scanned down to the bottom of the list to choose other and was shocked to see that instead of other, the non-specific category was labeled unknown. I highlighted that circle with my cursor. Unknown?

so.....

I like this boy. And it appears that he likes me too.
Now where exactly is the problem in that?
Apparently, there isn't one.

this may make sense to no one but me

Yeah yeah yeah. It is way past time for an update. Thanks for being patient :)

So I have been back in the land of the free, home of the brave, America the beautiful for over 3 weeks now. I have been experiencing a mixture of emotions, from nostalgia to confusion to pure joy. Enough already with that emotional ish. Truth is, I just don't know where to start, so much has happened since I last posted. Basically I have been readjusting to life in the States (read: eating too many burrrritos and drinking like an undergrad. Ahem, among other things of course).

Anyway, I'll just start with the here and now. I'm in Grand Junction where my dad and brother live. (Never heard of it? Well it's a small city in the valley of Western Colorado, aka Dysfunction Junction, Junk Town. As if! No no no, I'm not from GJ, my family just lives here.) I am living in Boulder for the summer (a 4 hour drive away). Every so often I come home to chill (and in the case of this weekend, to pick up some clothes and my bike). And sometimes I remember how much I do NOT like it here. (LOATHE it.) How much I do NOT belong here. (Total outcast.) Maybe it brings back memories that I would rather not have.
But then when I really think about it I realize that actually I am being reminded that these memories no longer have a hold on me the way they once did. I used to be afraid of what certain people thought about me. I wanted to fit in so badly. (But when you move to a small town during your junior year of high school, where everyone has known each other since preschool, and you are the only person of color, which makes the other kids afraid, chances of fitting in are not looking great.)
One day I got smart and asked myself: Why do I care so much about what you think? What makes you so special? Who are you in the scheme of life? The answer is no one. You are NO ONE to me (and to most of the rest of the world, which by the way, you have never seen. Okay, now I'm just being bitter and mean. Apologies.)

Leela, you have changed so much. Well yeah. I have grown. Up. It's what I do. I always want to be moving towards a better me. Every time I come back to GJ, I am amazed by all the new buildings and businesses that seem to spring up overnight. I find irony in the fact that as much as the scenery changes, the people never seem to follow suit. I guess that small town mentality just can't be shook. So I thank Grand Junction for showing me what it means to waste a life through under achievement and sending me running in the opposite direction.

There is a certain myth that claims that in order to truly leave Grand Junction for good, you has to take some dirt with you or else you will inevitably move back. Fortunately, I have never had that problem. Grand Junction has never had that kind of hold on me. Like I said, I'm not from here.

cause it's Friday, you ain't got no job...

I'm at home. Hanging with my brother. Laughing. Singing. Being loud. Watching DVDs. Performing beauty rituals. Sipping on cool drinks. Enjoying the sun. Chillaxin.
Life is good.

Beggars can't be choosers.

lui: I miss you.
moi: Why do you miss me?
lui: I've gotten used to you.
moi: Oh.

Wait, when did I become a beggar?!?

I woke up this morning feeling crazy.

I think I had some bad dreams last night. I can't remember them, so I guess I'll never know. I had my oral exam final this morning. Rocked it. Woot! My FB asked, "How did your exam go?" "Great. The professor said that I speak very well." "I told you that." He said annoyed. But whatever, I don't believe that. Because they don't see the amount of effort that I go through in my mind to organize my thoughts into sentences that actually make sense. In a timely conversational manner, nonetheless. Masculine or feminine? Which tense? How do I pronounce that? Does that verb take a direct or indirect object? They don't know the frustration I feel when I can't find/don't know the right words to express my thoughts. They only hear what comes out of my mouth. I'm not impressed. Typical me.

My dad reminds me that to whom much is given, much is expected. I know. He is my greatest inspiration, yet he feeds my susceptibility to anxiety with diligence.

I closed my bank account and cancelled my cell phone contract today. I started to realize that I am actually leaving in a couple of days. (Sounds familiar.) I'm going home. Home. There's no place like home. Home sweet home. Home is where the heart is. Home. Or whatever it means for a person with nomadic tendencies. I move for the nostalgia.

It's been storming for the past hour. Lots of rain, thunder, and lightning. The sky has a hazy yellow-green hue. The hyper white flashes of lightning reach across the sky momentarily changing it violet. Perfect weather for studying for tomorrow's written exam. What? Tomorrow is Saturday. Yeah well.