cause it's Friday, you ain't got no job...

I'm at home. Hanging with my brother. Laughing. Singing. Being loud. Watching DVDs. Performing beauty rituals. Sipping on cool drinks. Enjoying the sun. Chillaxin.
Life is good.

5 days!!!

No, I haven't died. And I'm not on a blogging break or anything like that. Truth is, last Thursday I finally clicked one of the 20 million popup ads that pollute my screen on the daily. And who would've guessed, it actually worked! So now I am busy packing for my new life. In AMERICA!!!

It's not that I repeat myself, I just say things more than once.

So I am awake, because I'm not sleepy yet. I figured that I would write something since I am still up and all, except that I really can't think of anything other than how I want to eat a bowl of brown sugar oatmeal for breakfast. It's not even that I'm hungry right now, because I'm not; it's the taste that I want. The sugary oatmealy goodness. That anticipation fuels hunger.

I typically indulge my craving instead of fighting them. I eat whatever I have a taste for. Sometimes that means grazing on peanut butter M&Ms for a whole day, eating nothing but granola for weeks, or smothering everything with cheese for a month, however long it takes to run its course. It's as if something is missing and either that absence must be filled or allowed time to fade away.

Maybe I am missing something (else). Maybe that something is someone. Or maybe it's just that I'm not getting enough from him. Maybe its expectation rather than anticipation that fuels this longing. Maybe it is in vain.

Early Saturday morning my FB and I are off to Deauville in Normandie. Hoping for sunny skies and smooth sailing. Anyway, I don't even think there is any oatmeal here. So hopefully that craving will be put to rest with a little sleep. Nighty night.

P.S. Wishing a very Happy 24th Birthday to Kenisha and Anisah!!! (who decidedly do not read this blog, but so what)

I do not struggle in your web because it was my aim to get caught
But daddy longlegs, I feel that I'm finally growing weary
Of waiting to be consumed by you
Give me the first taste
~ Fiona Apple

What would Jack Bauer do?

Let's not focus on the fact that I went to class today in the same clothes that I had on all day yesterday. Let's also ignore that I hadn't showered and I smelled anything but fresh. Hair uncombed, teeth unbrushed. It was so bad that even the beggar people didn't find it worth their time to taunt me with their normal Please. I'm hungry. Please. antics. Oh yeah, and I didn't have my books either. Let's put that all to the side and concentrate on the positive. I went to class on time. Early, in fact. Right. So yeah, that's about it for the positives.

Wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, Leela? No it started way before that, maybe with my french boy's bedtime story about an ex girlfriend giving him head in front of her friend and how that incident played a factor in their breakup. I guess that bottle of whiskey put him in a sharing mood. Sharing is caring after all. Wanna spoon? Uh yeah, how about NO! Does it change anything if I tell you that that was supposed to be a convincing counter argument to me saying that I didn't feel respected? Confused? I was too. First of all, I was sleeping and he wakes me up to tell me that I need to eat, because I hadn't eaten anything since early afternoon. He was right and I appreciate his concern for my hypoglycemia and all, but it was 2 AM and I was ASLEEP. I don't want/need to be woken up to eat. I was grumpy. It became clear that he wasn't giving up without a fight, so I ate some food to appease him in hopes that he would let me go back to sleep, but that became me insulting him and the food from his homeland and the people who prepared it and his culture and heritage and his entire family going back for generations including the local village dog Tanto, because I didn't like it.
I like it. It's good.
Then why aren't you eating?
Let's see… I'm not hungry! I need to go back to sleep. I need to wake up in the morning to go to class. I have to go home before class to get ready and to get my books.
That's where the not feeling respected comment came in which diverted his attention from feeding me.

When you wake up with rehdogg's Why must I cry playing in your head, you should already know that something is not right. Add in the mix waking up just late enough where you have to decide between going straight to class (on time, as you are, without your books) and going home to get ready (disrupting class by showing up at least 30 minutes late). Now what if you find yourself relating to the profoundness of the lyrics instead of laughing at rehdogg's voice and facial expressions? Lord help me. What is the problem here? I don't know, but I'm going to take a shower, put on my favorite raggedy ass CU sweatpants, lounge in my bed eating my rice and dahl while pondering the eternal mystery Why must I cry? Why? My phone is off because I don't feel like talking to anyone today, but be aware that I will be checking it every now and again just to make sure a certain person is calling. No I don't want to talk to him, but I'll be damned if he doesn't call.

WWJ(B)D? I can tell you that he certainly wouldn't be sitting in his room shutting out the world. He would shoot someone.

Plan B.

to make a long story short

I'm back from Barcelona and I was planning on raving about how beautiful it was. Not only was the weather ideal, but the people were super friendly, the food was fabulous, and the shopping, OMG the shopping! Yes, I was planning on writing that. That is, until last night. Last night I was at a club and my watch was fucking stolen. STOLEN. I was beyond irate. And it went deeper than just a missing watch, I felt violated. Having something stolen from my person left me feeling extremely vulnerable. And it was like no one was understanding that, which only made me more angry. In my rage, I used a lot of foul language and directed my outrage at inappropriate targets. (I had been drinking.)* I scared myself with how emotionally out of control I was. Ultimately, I was most upset with myself, because at the beginning of the night I had had this sinking feeling that something bad was going to happen, but I decided to ignore it, pay careful attention to my bag, and try to enjoy myself. Way to go.
This morning I was still really mad, and every time I would look at my wrist to check the time only to find it bare, my anger just heightened. So in the airport waiting for my flight back home, I bought a new watch in duty free. I am feeling a bit better.

* a clarification, not an excuse

C'est la belle vie.

Non? He asked me yesterday, as we lounged under a parasol, me, mai tai in hand and him drinking a beer. We are in Lacanau-Océan, where the biggest challenge has been determining where the vast blue of the water ends and the sky begins. I had almost forgotten how much I love the sun, the comfort of its heat, the energy in its brilliance. I had forgotten that the sun actually does have the power to wake you up in the morning when it shines through the window. It's days like this when I can't help but smile and feel absolutely grateful.

And you knew that I couldn't leave the computer at home. So I am sitting here blogging, while my french boy is busy yelling and clapping at the tele (ie watching the game), drowning his sorrow and/or happiness in whiskey and a cloud of smoke. The hotness that is soccer boys…
Woot Marseille?!!!

Happy Easter!

Spring break starts today!

2 weeks on holiday!!! Count them: 1. 2. No obligations. Just fun in the sun (or chasing it).

I didn't make it to my grammar class this morning. I was too sleepy. But I was certain to not let the guilt of being absent creep into my thoughts out of fear of becoming like my brother, whose claim to fame is never having missed a university class. EVER. He's a junior. That is just not normal. And he is crazy serious about it too. No, I can't do that. I have class. The scary part is that I was kind of beginning to understand his point of view. Perfect attendance can start to mess with your rational thinking. It can convince you that it is the best way and you will be lost without it. I know better than that.

Lately I have been craving nothing but sweets and I have been feeling really dehydrated (nothing to do with the drinking, I'm sure). Maybe 2 days ago, I ordered a crème brûlée at a restaurant (I watched Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain earlier this week too) and it was TERRIBLE. I ate less than half of it (out of guilt of being a food waster) before leaving the rest. When the waiter returned to the table, he remarked that it was not finished and asked if it was good. I told him not really. He seemed a bit confused and asked me if I was french. I told him that I was american. He asked if I knew the dessert. I told him yes. He asked if there is crème brûlée in the US. Yes again. He explained to me that they serve it all of the time and they never get any complaints from any customers. To appease him, I said fine, maybe it's me. But no, it was NOT me. It was too eggy and the top was not caramelized enough (thwarting my Amélie moment completely). It sucked. End of story.

As for the dehydration, I am heading out to the beach for the weekend, or so I'm promised by my french boy (which one is he? you ask. The one who lives in Texas and says okie dokie). I haven't packed yet. I'll do that in the morning. Who needs class anyway?

It's raining and my stomach hurts.

Some foods can only be eaten when you are alone. A brownie with peanut butter, vanilla buttercream frosting, and sprinkles is one of them. I woke up this morning to a cloudy grey sky. I felt betrayed. All last week the weather was beautiful. No need for a heavy coat, boots, or even an umbrella. The weather allowed us to play tennis at Luxembourg, which I am told is very chic (an opinion which I'm sure would change if they would've actually seen us playing). When you are ecstatic to have even hit the ball with the racket, the fact that it went over the fence into the neighboring court disrupting another game is secondary. I'm certain that our neighbors were fed up with retrieving our balls and very pleased when our game turned into more of a Lacoste photo shoot. So what happened to the spring of last week? This morning, with a defeated attitude, I was ready to take a wool coat from the wardrobe, but against my better judgment, I put on a light track jacket instead. I kind of froze my ass off this afternoon, although not in vain, because I have decided that the best way to bring on spring weather is to dress for it. The sun just needs a little encouragement.

Merci mille fois!

When you are young, receiving mail is super exciting. Except that you always wonder why you never get anything in the mail (other than the occasional holiday card or letter from India). So your parents try to satisfy you with the junk mail that they don't want. When that stops working they get you a couple of magazine subscriptions and find you some pen pals in Australia and Finland. You wait expectantly knowing that the mail brings treasures from afar. Specifically for you. However, as you age this mail excitement turns into more of a nuisance as mail becomes synonymous with bills. Glossy bulk mailings lose their appeal. Packages are filled with the things that you bought online for yourself. It isn't the same.

When you are far away from home, mail once again resumes its magical quality. Anything in the mail for me today? A junk magazine from the bank! Woot! But today was even more special than that, because I returned home to a large envelope with my name on it. An envelope containing a card, CD, and a bag full of miniature Reese’s cups.

Thank you my dearest Helena! You really are the greatest!!!!! Miss you lots!!!

meet at step 3

It really doesn't need to be said that the Facebook and I are not really friends. So then why am I spending so much time on it? And doing what exactly? Yeah, not even sure. Wasting time.

I still don't completely understand the concept of these Facebook virtual gifts. I thought they were just a Valentine's Day thing, but they are still around. And now I see that they are offering a special edition gift each day with a limited quantity available. I have to admit that they are kind of cute. So I just want to let you know that I have reconsidered my position and I would like one of these, please.


It's only $1 and it is for cancer research for goodness sakes.

Don't make fun of me.

So I decided to stop losing my mind, get myself together, and try to fit in. At least long enough to make some cupcakes. And what goes better with sugary sweetness with sprinkles on top than a nice happy story.
.
.
.
Except I can't seem to think of a story that doesn't involve me doing something really stupid. I will have to substitute a nice happy memory. I can do that.

I am disturbingly bad at receiving compliments. I'm not exactly sure why. (Good thing they are far and in between.) I think that sometimes they seem overtly contrived and insincere. The same overused phrases lack meaning. Perhaps it's the motive that I am leery of. Why are you saying that to me? You must want something.
Instead, the silliest things flatter me. Things that were meant in a certain way, that I prefer to take out of context and give a completely different meaning (because life truly is better in my imagination).

A very long time ago in a very far away land, a boy and I were discussing the pronunciation of people's names and how intonation affects connotation (or something like that). I believe that the topic stemmed from him thinking that I pronounced a mutual friend's name like a swear word. Anyway, it ended with me noting that he didn't say my name very often. To which the boy replied, that is because when I say your name I feel like I don't do it justice.

No, it doesn't make sense. Yes, it is ridiculous. Refer back to post title. Thanks.

day 126

The good: I received my mom's package on Tuesday. They tried to deliver it on Monday, but I wasn't at home, so I went to pick it up the next morning. And all that I'm not a morning person talk went right out of the window as I found myself nearly running down the street to the post office before 10 AM. Now I have more peanut butter and peanut butter M&M's than I can handle. Thanks Mom!!

The bad: My cell phone is lost. I am certain that it went missing somewhere in the movie theater yesterday afternoon, but alas they don't know anything about it.

The ugly: I NEED to do SOMETHING with this hair.

?

Why the hell am I eating foie gras? Wait, I like it? Do all french parties have to be themed costume parties? What exactly is Men at Work? Is housewarming not enough of a theme? What was that? Open champagne and vodka bar? Plaid shirt and a wrench, will that work? (No, I'm not a Canadian. I'm a mechanic.) What am I drinking? Umm, are you dancing? You want me to dance with you? Haven't I seen that sort of dancing before? (Ah of course, the Sims 2.) Where is my Sims 2 disc? And another thing, where in the world is the package that my mom sent to me, the one that was supposed to arrive on Friday, the one with the peanut butter M&Ms and the Sonicare replacement brush heads??? What is wrong with the postal system?

Jade: It's not as if my confused look needed more practice, it is just that I know how much you love these pics.

This sucks.

So apparently my body is falling apart.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat. And now I am sneezing up that sickness mucusy taste, which signals that worse is on the way.

Yesterday evening I had the worst headache, which is weird because I rarely get headaches. (And everytime I do, I say that same thing.) It was a terrible dull pain that was spread throughout my forehead. I took some medicine and went to bed early.

The day before that I woke up and my eyes were stuck shut. They hurt so much that I could barely stand to keep them open. I thought to myself, hot damn I have finally contracted conjunctivitis. Because ever since I moved here, I have felt that it would only be a matter of time with all the contaminated spaces that I encounter on a daily basis, between the metro (the poles, seats, handrails) and the public toilets (which ALL lack hot water and paper towels and sometimes even soap). Thankfully it was a false alarm; my eyes were irritated but not infected. I put a bunch of eye drops in them and by the end of the day everything was better.

But I still have this headache and the tingling in my throat is becoming worse.

I blog for me and for you.

Why do you blog?

When I was introduced to the idea of blogging I was immediately attracted. I liked the idea of combining words with visuals via the internet. I'm easily drawn to all things aesthetic. At that time, I never realized how powerful this medium could be (not only globally, but personally). I didn't know that it would have me clicking next blog like a natural reflex. I didn't realize that I would have pages of subscriptions from which I eagerly await updates. I never guessed that I would be encouraging all of my friends to start blogging (Seriously just try it just once. Everyone is doing it dude. It's super easy.) Or that blogger malfunctioning would make me so freaking angry!!! Bottom line: I LOVE blogs.

I spend too much time in the blogosphere. Reading, lurking, chasing links. Commenting, posting. Maybe it's my slightly addictive personality or my voyeuristic tendencies, but I would like to think that it goes beyond that. So what exactly compels one to blog?

Connection.

For some, blogging is a way to keep in touch with friends and family, a convenient way to share life's happenings. It can provide a means for release, a place where one can vent with freedom or even anonymity. Recounting the day's events becomes a source of clarity. Others blog to network, build relationships and communities. Some blog to remember, others to overcome. Informative, political, humorous, artistic, personal. The reasons for blogging are multifaceted, but the common thread is the desire to feel understood, connected.

I enjoy reading other people's written thoughts and feelings. I find inspiration in their creations, the way that they see themselves and the world around them. Blogging documents someone's journey through life and it opens up perspectives that one may not have been exposed to any other way. It reinforces the belief that one is not alone.

My blog gives me a little place where I reign. It doesn't have a specific focus. It is a little bit of everything, but mostly a lot of nothing. I blog for the interaction (personal and interpersonal) and for the expression. I blog to tell my side of the story. I blog to compartmentalize my emotions. I blog to share. I blog to strengthen my voice. I blog to create something beautiful.

So whatever your reason may be... Blog on!
(Or join in, because really all the cool kids are doing it.)

Come quickly, I'm drinking stars!

Today I ventured out to Ephernay and Reims in Champagne, to do what else other than visit wine cellars and taste champagne. I was going to write about my love of champagne and why it is my preferred drink and about how Ephernay is rivaling Vail as my place for retirement just so my grandchildren can say My grandma lives on Avenue de Champagne. But I decided it was better to stick with some unrelated musing instead.

1. There is a large community of people who use sign language in Paris. At least I think so because I happen to come across at least 1 group of people signing per day. Which supplied the inspiration for my best idea of the week (or month, if I'm unlucky). A good way to avoid unwanted gentlemen callers is to start signing in response to their approach. You don't have to know what you are signing, because they won't know either, so in most cases it will work without fail. Unless your cell phone starts ringing or something.

2. Why was this dude wearing a spinner watch?! I had to take a double take because I had never seen anything like that at all. And dude made sure that people noticed, because he kept on spinning it and everything. Assuming that I was behind the times, I had to google this nonsense, and I found that you too can own your a spinner watch (and there's more where that came from) for the low price of $29. My goodness.

3. I really hate the damn Facebook. You may recall that I was forced to take a hiatus from the Facebook early last year, because it was making me want to stab somebody, and I'm not even a violent person. Well really I had no intention of returning, but everyone kept insisting that it is a good way to keep in touch with people. Peer pressure is a bitch. Although also, I did not want to feel like I let something so trivial get the best of me. No, it's not the Facebook itself that I hate, because it is only a tool. I hate that it reminds me of things that I would much rather forget (i.e. 2005 - Year of the Fool (aka me)). It is also a bit disturbing how some things and people never seem to change.

4. Time is FLYING!!!!! It could just be me getting old, but I feel like time is passing so quickly. I will be home in less than 5 months (theoretically), which always leaves my emotions teetering somewhere between bitter and sweet.

Time is relative.

So apparently I am operating on GMT-3 time, which isn't a problem except that I live in the GMT+1 time zone. I can't sleep at night. I have always been a night owl, but this is getting out of hand. I find myself wide awake at 3 AM, looking at the time, scolding I need to go to sleep. I have to wake up in the morning. But it does no good, because as Jade reminds me "I can never do right." 5 more minutes, I need to finish reading this article. I'm not even sleepy yet. Then finally when I do go to bed, I lie awake distracted by my thoughts, sometimes for minutes, usually for more. I feel compelled to move. When changing positions starts to bore me, I get up to get a drink of water or reapply night lip balm or adjust my bedding. I am restless. My brother has also noted that my teeth clenching during sleep has progressed into audible teeth grinding. This is a problem. A friend has suggested that I try bathing before bed (I'm not too keen on baths) or drinking relaxing herbal tea (which does bring back fond memories of restful nights facilitated by tea and rum...or maybe that was just rum). Whatever the case may be, I need to get my biological clock back on schedule. Speaking of schedules (ignore the fact that it is at least 2 weeks past Boxing Day, this is France), I have been informed that tomorrow the after-Christmas sales will commence. That may just be reason enough for me to go to bed early tonight.

champagne + Lily Allen

Oh Jesus Christ Almighty,
Do I feel alright? No not slightly.

I have tried to think of a way to describe how I have been feeling lately, but I can't seem to get my mind around it. I wouldn't say that I'm sad. Or happy. Maybe a bit homesick. Anxious. Or tired. I don't know. Nothing specific is wrong. All I know is that I don't feel completely right. I don't feel like my normal self (and I'm starting to even question who that is). Worst of all, I have no idea why.

Do you think, everything, everyone, is going mental,
It seems to me that it's spiraling out of control and it's inevitable.

I had a nice time on vacation in Morocco. But Morocco left a bittersweet taste in my mouth. The country is truly gorgeous. The culture is captivating and the people are dynamic and friendly. And the food... But there came a point when I started to realize that the friendliness was not based on genuine emotions but rather on financial gain. And that disturbed me. I realize that the same things happen world wide, but for some reason I took this very personally. I mean is it fair to expect tourists to pay more than a native person, simply because they have more money in comparison and would pay that price in their home country? About as fair as going to a country for vacation and turning a blind eye to their social problems and not being willing to pay more money because you can? I began to lose my faith in the goodness of humanity (myself included).

Don't you want something else,
Something new, than what we've got here.

And as for 2007, I want it to be a year of change and acceptance. There are personal things that I need to change to become a better me. For instance:
I procrastinate. I procrastinate because I am indecisive. I can't make a decision because I overanalyze all of the possibilities. I do this because I am afraid. I fear making the wrong move and failing. I fear failure because I feel inadequate.

A pattern that needs to stop taking me in circles.

Why can't I sleep at night?
Don't say it's going to be alright.

Then there are things about me that I simply need to accept. I have to stop wanting to be someone else. I have to understand that changing my surrounding circumstances will not change who I am. So I guess that finding balance between change and acceptance is my priority. Because I have always been rather good at change, but acceptance (especially of a personal nature) is another story. I have to stop finding fault in everything that is me.

Maybe imbalanced is the best way to describe how I am feeling. Recently I find myself looking around and thinking What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. If any of this makes any kind of sense. My emotions are scattered. Nothing seems stable and I feel like a wanderer. I'm annoyed with my whining.

To celebrate Epiphany, we had a galette des rois and just my luck, I was the one with the fève in my piece, which denoted me as the queen for the day. I wore my paper crown throughout the rest of the evening. And no there really is no grand point here. I'm merely hoping that I'm not as neurotic as I would like to think.

Oh yes, I'm fine.
Everything's just wonderful.
I'm having the time of my life. ~ Lily Allen

I won't be home for Christmas.

Instead, we are leaving this morning for 10 days of sun in Morocco. Woot! Woot!

so fresh and so clean clean

I got home about 20 minutes ago. I went to the bathroom to do my normal nightly routine which includes washing my face and brushing my teeth. But I couldn't find my toothbrush. Where the hell is my toothbrush? My Oral-B Sonic Complete toothbrush! I have been using this model for over a year now and I LOVE it. I love it because it is extremely thorough. I love brushing my teeth with it. That sparkling clean sensation. Ahhh! So refreshing! (They really should put me in a commercial.) So tonight, I spent a good 10 minutes searching for the damn thing. On the charger where it should be? Of course not. On my desk, in my wardrobe, tossed somewhere among the dirty clothes? No. Perhaps under my pillow or the bed? Nope. Wouldn't you guess that I finally found it sitting in plain view on my armoire. I'm telling you, once you switch, you can never go back to using a manual brush. Earlier this year, I took a trip to LA to visit Jade and I forgot my Sonic Complete at home. I had to use a manual for the duration of the trip. During the day, I would run my tongue along my teeth feeling disgusted with all the grime that I could feel. Ewww. I remember that about 3 years back when I went to India with my Crest SpinBrush Pro (which I do not recommend by the way), I had family members looking at me crazy in the bathroom. Wondering what is that noise? Those Americans, they are too lazy to even brush their own teeth! Seriously though people, it's not even like that. It's all in the name of oral health. Use it and you too will soon discover it is nothing short of AMAZING!