to make a long story short

I'm back from Barcelona and I was planning on raving about how beautiful it was. Not only was the weather ideal, but the people were super friendly, the food was fabulous, and the shopping, OMG the shopping! Yes, I was planning on writing that. That is, until last night. Last night I was at a club and my watch was fucking stolen. STOLEN. I was beyond irate. And it went deeper than just a missing watch, I felt violated. Having something stolen from my person left me feeling extremely vulnerable. And it was like no one was understanding that, which only made me more angry. In my rage, I used a lot of foul language and directed my outrage at inappropriate targets. (I had been drinking.)* I scared myself with how emotionally out of control I was. Ultimately, I was most upset with myself, because at the beginning of the night I had had this sinking feeling that something bad was going to happen, but I decided to ignore it, pay careful attention to my bag, and try to enjoy myself. Way to go.
This morning I was still really mad, and every time I would look at my wrist to check the time only to find it bare, my anger just heightened. So in the airport waiting for my flight back home, I bought a new watch in duty free. I am feeling a bit better.

* a clarification, not an excuse

what you know about that

1. I am keeping a lot of tension in my mouth area. I noticed this development while I was looking at recent photographs of myself (exhibit A – see photo in the post below). I was wondering, why am I always doing this weird lip pursing thing? Not cute. On top of that, my teeth grinding has returned. It's not that it ever stopped, but I was wearing my mouth guard nightly (oooh the sexiness) until…I'm not sure what happened, but I stopped. Yesterday I decided that I needed to start using it again, but when I woke up this morning it was on the floor. Now I spend a good part of my day consciously reminding myself to relax my mouth. I have self-diagnosed this as a symptom of smile deprivation, because I have no other reason to be so tense.

2. I bought a new pair of chopsticks. They are beautiful shiny and polished metal. I love them.

3. I'm longing for a good night of incoherent fun. One of those nights where no one remembers exactly what happened. The morning after, you all sit around over a breakfast of greasy cheese and/or ranch covered food trying to piece together jumbled memories in attempt to determine what his name is, why you thought he was cute, and what exactly he is doing (sleeping) in your shower.

4. My fellow countrywomen may have shed their Uggs for flip flops weeks ago, but it was not until yesterday that I actually felt a change in the air. It feels like spring now. And that can only mean one thing: spring fever…

Lacanau was lovely.

I have been less than enthusiastic about my photographs lately. I want/need a new digital camera (the Canon PowerShot SD800 IS/Canon Digital IXUS 850 IS to be specific). Without further ado...

C'est la belle vie.

Non? He asked me yesterday, as we lounged under a parasol, me, mai tai in hand and him drinking a beer. We are in Lacanau-Océan, where the biggest challenge has been determining where the vast blue of the water ends and the sky begins. I had almost forgotten how much I love the sun, the comfort of its heat, the energy in its brilliance. I had forgotten that the sun actually does have the power to wake you up in the morning when it shines through the window. It's days like this when I can't help but smile and feel absolutely grateful.

And you knew that I couldn't leave the computer at home. So I am sitting here blogging, while my french boy is busy yelling and clapping at the tele (ie watching the game), drowning his sorrow and/or happiness in whiskey and a cloud of smoke. The hotness that is soccer boys…
Woot Marseille?!!!

Happy Easter!

Spring break starts today!

2 weeks on holiday!!! Count them: 1. 2. No obligations. Just fun in the sun (or chasing it).

I didn't make it to my grammar class this morning. I was too sleepy. But I was certain to not let the guilt of being absent creep into my thoughts out of fear of becoming like my brother, whose claim to fame is never having missed a university class. EVER. He's a junior. That is just not normal. And he is crazy serious about it too. No, I can't do that. I have class. The scary part is that I was kind of beginning to understand his point of view. Perfect attendance can start to mess with your rational thinking. It can convince you that it is the best way and you will be lost without it. I know better than that.

Lately I have been craving nothing but sweets and I have been feeling really dehydrated (nothing to do with the drinking, I'm sure). Maybe 2 days ago, I ordered a crème brûlée at a restaurant (I watched Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain earlier this week too) and it was TERRIBLE. I ate less than half of it (out of guilt of being a food waster) before leaving the rest. When the waiter returned to the table, he remarked that it was not finished and asked if it was good. I told him not really. He seemed a bit confused and asked me if I was french. I told him that I was american. He asked if I knew the dessert. I told him yes. He asked if there is crème brûlée in the US. Yes again. He explained to me that they serve it all of the time and they never get any complaints from any customers. To appease him, I said fine, maybe it's me. But no, it was NOT me. It was too eggy and the top was not caramelized enough (thwarting my Amélie moment completely). It sucked. End of story.

As for the dehydration, I am heading out to the beach for the weekend, or so I'm promised by my french boy (which one is he? you ask. The one who lives in Texas and says okie dokie). I haven't packed yet. I'll do that in the morning. Who needs class anyway?

What is the meaning of this?

moi: I'm really sorry! I am easily distracted.
lui: By what?
moi: Anything.

In this case, life and uh yeah, the internet, oooh Yahoo Answers...

I know that I am slacking here. I should be writing an update. But I'm not.
But I will.
OMG, this is soooo funny!!! 100% of the time you're on the stupid!

It's raining and my stomach hurts.

Some foods can only be eaten when you are alone. A brownie with peanut butter, vanilla buttercream frosting, and sprinkles is one of them. I woke up this morning to a cloudy grey sky. I felt betrayed. All last week the weather was beautiful. No need for a heavy coat, boots, or even an umbrella. The weather allowed us to play tennis at Luxembourg, which I am told is very chic (an opinion which I'm sure would change if they would've actually seen us playing). When you are ecstatic to have even hit the ball with the racket, the fact that it went over the fence into the neighboring court disrupting another game is secondary. I'm certain that our neighbors were fed up with retrieving our balls and very pleased when our game turned into more of a Lacoste photo shoot. So what happened to the spring of last week? This morning, with a defeated attitude, I was ready to take a wool coat from the wardrobe, but against my better judgment, I put on a light track jacket instead. I kind of froze my ass off this afternoon, although not in vain, because I have decided that the best way to bring on spring weather is to dress for it. The sun just needs a little encouragement.

Merci mille fois!

When you are young, receiving mail is super exciting. Except that you always wonder why you never get anything in the mail (other than the occasional holiday card or letter from India). So your parents try to satisfy you with the junk mail that they don't want. When that stops working they get you a couple of magazine subscriptions and find you some pen pals in Australia and Finland. You wait expectantly knowing that the mail brings treasures from afar. Specifically for you. However, as you age this mail excitement turns into more of a nuisance as mail becomes synonymous with bills. Glossy bulk mailings lose their appeal. Packages are filled with the things that you bought online for yourself. It isn't the same.

When you are far away from home, mail once again resumes its magical quality. Anything in the mail for me today? A junk magazine from the bank! Woot! But today was even more special than that, because I returned home to a large envelope with my name on it. An envelope containing a card, CD, and a bag full of miniature Reese’s cups.

Thank you my dearest Helena! You really are the greatest!!!!! Miss you lots!!!

Comments on YouTube suck.

They are always the stupidest things written by 7th graders ditching school or something who don't seem to understand the rules of grammar or know how to spell. And those ridiculous chain comments. All unnecessary.*

Anyway, I am actually writing this to inform you that I saw Lily Allen in concert this past Sunday. She rocks! You can check out some of my footage here and here.

* Although I may not always follow them, I do know grammar rules. So there goes your smart-ass sentence fragment comment.

It must be me.

Flakey ass friends. Why am I inflicted with these fuckers? I feel like a magnet for them, because it's not just one friend or a one time rare occurrence. I would be able to understand that. But this is too extensive to be normal. Lies, excuses, cancellations, disappearances, all around flakiness. I'm fed up!

Maybe it means that it's time for me to learn to be more independent and self-sufficient. I don't know. Maybe I expect too much from others.

I am admittedly a bad judge of character. Still, I would rather not think that it is me. I consider myself loyal and I try to treat people with respect, but lately I feel like the sentiment is not being reciprocated.

Seeing that I am the common factor in all of these relationships, how do I not take it personally?

Or maybe I should because I am doing something wrong and need to change my behavior.

meet at step 3

It really doesn't need to be said that the Facebook and I are not really friends. So then why am I spending so much time on it? And doing what exactly? Yeah, not even sure. Wasting time.

I still don't completely understand the concept of these Facebook virtual gifts. I thought they were just a Valentine's Day thing, but they are still around. And now I see that they are offering a special edition gift each day with a limited quantity available. I have to admit that they are kind of cute. So I just want to let you know that I have reconsidered my position and I would like one of these, please.


It's only $1 and it is for cancer research for goodness sakes.

Don't make fun of me.

So I decided to stop losing my mind, get myself together, and try to fit in. At least long enough to make some cupcakes. And what goes better with sugary sweetness with sprinkles on top than a nice happy story.
.
.
.
Except I can't seem to think of a story that doesn't involve me doing something really stupid. I will have to substitute a nice happy memory. I can do that.

I am disturbingly bad at receiving compliments. I'm not exactly sure why. (Good thing they are far and in between.) I think that sometimes they seem overtly contrived and insincere. The same overused phrases lack meaning. Perhaps it's the motive that I am leery of. Why are you saying that to me? You must want something.
Instead, the silliest things flatter me. Things that were meant in a certain way, that I prefer to take out of context and give a completely different meaning (because life truly is better in my imagination).

A very long time ago in a very far away land, a boy and I were discussing the pronunciation of people's names and how intonation affects connotation (or something like that). I believe that the topic stemmed from him thinking that I pronounced a mutual friend's name like a swear word. Anyway, it ended with me noting that he didn't say my name very often. To which the boy replied, that is because when I say your name I feel like I don't do it justice.

No, it doesn't make sense. Yes, it is ridiculous. Refer back to post title. Thanks.

I don't understand it.

It feels like a ball of really bright light which starts out next your heart. It increases in intensity becoming heavier as it elongates vertically reaching all the way down past your stomach. Your breathing and heart rate become painfully self-apparent. The light pulses, sometimes slowly, then faster, and with each pulse it tightens its grip.

It makes running seem like the best idea. Around the house. Around the neighborhood. Away. It becomes the only escape. For a while at least. Time passes annoyingly slowly, so you move fervently to try to make up for its lack. Finding things to fill the time is the only thing that makes it pass. You seek out movement to dissipate the excess energy. Thoughts race without logic, running on and on or in circles. It turns even the most trivial thing into a catastrophe. Failure feels certain. Possibilities are the enemy. It all runs together into a blur. Worry takes over. Functioning under its weight is overwhelming. Eating becomes obsolete, or at best, a chore, just to alleviate the shaking which you hope is a result of low blood sugar. And sleep, forget about it.

This anxiety. It begs not to be silenced by meds. You will be nothing without me, it taunts. We get so much done together.
Maybe so but what's the point? I want to know. When you make everything feel worthless.

I thought I'd figure out how to change,
But you never change.
~ Slow Runner

Year of the Pig

Happy Chinese New Year!!

The weather has been absolutely gorgeous this weekend. The sun has been shining relentlessly, which caused my mood to soar with equal vigor. So this afternoon I went to the Chinese New Year parade to celebrate. The costumes were eye-catching, as was the (little bit of) dancing. But overall, I found the parade to be lacking in energy and organization (there were large spaces between the groups, which left one wondering if the parade had in fact finished or if there was more to come). The participants walked way too quickly for being on parade and they didn't display enough excitement. Needless to say, I was slightly disappointed. But it was nothing that a walk along the Seine and a crêpe couldn't solve.

Also, during the parade one of the dragons hit me in the head and I am almost certain that is a sign of good luck. Wishing prosperity, happiness, good fortune, and success to all!

question of the week

elle: You are American, right?
moi: Yeah.
elle: Well, why is your name Leela?

for the love of Dove milk chocolate hearts

People are starting to yell. And I know that means that the threats are soon to come.
Stay calm. Unlock the caps. One exclamation point will suffice. Either I am loved enough to be missed or you guys are just really bored. Whatever the case, I am posting.

It seems that almost everyone despises Valentine's Day, but I happen to LOVE it, so Happy Valentine's Day! This love probably has something to do with all the chocolate (which will be on sale tomorrow), flowers, hearts, jewelry, and the colors red and pink (pink has this unexplainable irresistible compelling quality). Throw in the fact that I basically love all holidays and any other reason to celebrate. I don't really have any epic V-Day memories that fuel my anticipation. Although it is funny that two years ago, for Valentine's Day, both of my parents sent me cards with checks included. It was a surprise, because Valentine's Day is not usually a paid holiday. But then it occurred to me, Did they send me money as a distraction because they were afraid that I would be sad or something? Because I wasn't. (Come to think of it that year was rather memorable.) Moving on...

So for all you people that hate Valentine's Day based on the logic that you shouldn't need a holiday to celebrate the ones that you love. I agree with the contention that you should express your love on a daily basis. But since when does a holiday take away from that? If you are already doing it throughout the year then doesn't Valentine's Day just give you an extra opportunity? As for all the other anti-V-Day reasons, to each her/his own (ie whatev).

Happy Valentine's Day (or not punk) XOXO

day 126

The good: I received my mom's package on Tuesday. They tried to deliver it on Monday, but I wasn't at home, so I went to pick it up the next morning. And all that I'm not a morning person talk went right out of the window as I found myself nearly running down the street to the post office before 10 AM. Now I have more peanut butter and peanut butter M&M's than I can handle. Thanks Mom!!

The bad: My cell phone is lost. I am certain that it went missing somewhere in the movie theater yesterday afternoon, but alas they don't know anything about it.

The ugly: I NEED to do SOMETHING with this hair.

sweet dreams

I can't sleep. I feel homesick...for food. I especially miss my dad's cooking. As well as all things peanut butter, from peanut butter and honey sandwiches to peanut butter M&Ms. I am longing for some good mexican food, like a burrito with rice, black beans, guacamole, extra hot salsa, and cheese. Or some thai food. And some cupcakes piled high with frosting and sprinkles. Maybe a warm underbaked brownie with french vanilla ice cream on the side. Mmm...

?

Why the hell am I eating foie gras? Wait, I like it? Do all french parties have to be themed costume parties? What exactly is Men at Work? Is housewarming not enough of a theme? What was that? Open champagne and vodka bar? Plaid shirt and a wrench, will that work? (No, I'm not a Canadian. I'm a mechanic.) What am I drinking? Umm, are you dancing? You want me to dance with you? Haven't I seen that sort of dancing before? (Ah of course, the Sims 2.) Where is my Sims 2 disc? And another thing, where in the world is the package that my mom sent to me, the one that was supposed to arrive on Friday, the one with the peanut butter M&Ms and the Sonicare replacement brush heads??? What is wrong with the postal system?

Jade: It's not as if my confused look needed more practice, it is just that I know how much you love these pics.

This sucks.

So apparently my body is falling apart.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat. And now I am sneezing up that sickness mucusy taste, which signals that worse is on the way.

Yesterday evening I had the worst headache, which is weird because I rarely get headaches. (And everytime I do, I say that same thing.) It was a terrible dull pain that was spread throughout my forehead. I took some medicine and went to bed early.

The day before that I woke up and my eyes were stuck shut. They hurt so much that I could barely stand to keep them open. I thought to myself, hot damn I have finally contracted conjunctivitis. Because ever since I moved here, I have felt that it would only be a matter of time with all the contaminated spaces that I encounter on a daily basis, between the metro (the poles, seats, handrails) and the public toilets (which ALL lack hot water and paper towels and sometimes even soap). Thankfully it was a false alarm; my eyes were irritated but not infected. I put a bunch of eye drops in them and by the end of the day everything was better.

But I still have this headache and the tingling in my throat is becoming worse.