I don't understand it.

It feels like a ball of really bright light which starts out next your heart. It increases in intensity becoming heavier as it elongates vertically reaching all the way down past your stomach. Your breathing and heart rate become painfully self-apparent. The light pulses, sometimes slowly, then faster, and with each pulse it tightens its grip.

It makes running seem like the best idea. Around the house. Around the neighborhood. Away. It becomes the only escape. For a while at least. Time passes annoyingly slowly, so you move fervently to try to make up for its lack. Finding things to fill the time is the only thing that makes it pass. You seek out movement to dissipate the excess energy. Thoughts race without logic, running on and on or in circles. It turns even the most trivial thing into a catastrophe. Failure feels certain. Possibilities are the enemy. It all runs together into a blur. Worry takes over. Functioning under its weight is overwhelming. Eating becomes obsolete, or at best, a chore, just to alleviate the shaking which you hope is a result of low blood sugar. And sleep, forget about it.

This anxiety. It begs not to be silenced by meds. You will be nothing without me, it taunts. We get so much done together.
Maybe so but what's the point? I want to know. When you make everything feel worthless.

I thought I'd figure out how to change,
But you never change.
~ Slow Runner

Year of the Pig

Happy Chinese New Year!!

The weather has been absolutely gorgeous this weekend. The sun has been shining relentlessly, which caused my mood to soar with equal vigor. So this afternoon I went to the Chinese New Year parade to celebrate. The costumes were eye-catching, as was the (little bit of) dancing. But overall, I found the parade to be lacking in energy and organization (there were large spaces between the groups, which left one wondering if the parade had in fact finished or if there was more to come). The participants walked way too quickly for being on parade and they didn't display enough excitement. Needless to say, I was slightly disappointed. But it was nothing that a walk along the Seine and a crêpe couldn't solve.

Also, during the parade one of the dragons hit me in the head and I am almost certain that is a sign of good luck. Wishing prosperity, happiness, good fortune, and success to all!

question of the week

elle: You are American, right?
moi: Yeah.
elle: Well, why is your name Leela?

for the love of Dove milk chocolate hearts

People are starting to yell. And I know that means that the threats are soon to come.
Stay calm. Unlock the caps. One exclamation point will suffice. Either I am loved enough to be missed or you guys are just really bored. Whatever the case, I am posting.

It seems that almost everyone despises Valentine's Day, but I happen to LOVE it, so Happy Valentine's Day! This love probably has something to do with all the chocolate (which will be on sale tomorrow), flowers, hearts, jewelry, and the colors red and pink (pink has this unexplainable irresistible compelling quality). Throw in the fact that I basically love all holidays and any other reason to celebrate. I don't really have any epic V-Day memories that fuel my anticipation. Although it is funny that two years ago, for Valentine's Day, both of my parents sent me cards with checks included. It was a surprise, because Valentine's Day is not usually a paid holiday. But then it occurred to me, Did they send me money as a distraction because they were afraid that I would be sad or something? Because I wasn't. (Come to think of it that year was rather memorable.) Moving on...

So for all you people that hate Valentine's Day based on the logic that you shouldn't need a holiday to celebrate the ones that you love. I agree with the contention that you should express your love on a daily basis. But since when does a holiday take away from that? If you are already doing it throughout the year then doesn't Valentine's Day just give you an extra opportunity? As for all the other anti-V-Day reasons, to each her/his own (ie whatev).

Happy Valentine's Day (or not punk) XOXO

day 126

The good: I received my mom's package on Tuesday. They tried to deliver it on Monday, but I wasn't at home, so I went to pick it up the next morning. And all that I'm not a morning person talk went right out of the window as I found myself nearly running down the street to the post office before 10 AM. Now I have more peanut butter and peanut butter M&M's than I can handle. Thanks Mom!!

The bad: My cell phone is lost. I am certain that it went missing somewhere in the movie theater yesterday afternoon, but alas they don't know anything about it.

The ugly: I NEED to do SOMETHING with this hair.

sweet dreams

I can't sleep. I feel homesick...for food. I especially miss my dad's cooking. As well as all things peanut butter, from peanut butter and honey sandwiches to peanut butter M&Ms. I am longing for some good mexican food, like a burrito with rice, black beans, guacamole, extra hot salsa, and cheese. Or some thai food. And some cupcakes piled high with frosting and sprinkles. Maybe a warm underbaked brownie with french vanilla ice cream on the side. Mmm...

?

Why the hell am I eating foie gras? Wait, I like it? Do all french parties have to be themed costume parties? What exactly is Men at Work? Is housewarming not enough of a theme? What was that? Open champagne and vodka bar? Plaid shirt and a wrench, will that work? (No, I'm not a Canadian. I'm a mechanic.) What am I drinking? Umm, are you dancing? You want me to dance with you? Haven't I seen that sort of dancing before? (Ah of course, the Sims 2.) Where is my Sims 2 disc? And another thing, where in the world is the package that my mom sent to me, the one that was supposed to arrive on Friday, the one with the peanut butter M&Ms and the Sonicare replacement brush heads??? What is wrong with the postal system?

Jade: It's not as if my confused look needed more practice, it is just that I know how much you love these pics.

This sucks.

So apparently my body is falling apart.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat. And now I am sneezing up that sickness mucusy taste, which signals that worse is on the way.

Yesterday evening I had the worst headache, which is weird because I rarely get headaches. (And everytime I do, I say that same thing.) It was a terrible dull pain that was spread throughout my forehead. I took some medicine and went to bed early.

The day before that I woke up and my eyes were stuck shut. They hurt so much that I could barely stand to keep them open. I thought to myself, hot damn I have finally contracted conjunctivitis. Because ever since I moved here, I have felt that it would only be a matter of time with all the contaminated spaces that I encounter on a daily basis, between the metro (the poles, seats, handrails) and the public toilets (which ALL lack hot water and paper towels and sometimes even soap). Thankfully it was a false alarm; my eyes were irritated but not infected. I put a bunch of eye drops in them and by the end of the day everything was better.

But I still have this headache and the tingling in my throat is becoming worse.

I blog for me and for you.

Why do you blog?

When I was introduced to the idea of blogging I was immediately attracted. I liked the idea of combining words with visuals via the internet. I'm easily drawn to all things aesthetic. At that time, I never realized how powerful this medium could be (not only globally, but personally). I didn't know that it would have me clicking next blog like a natural reflex. I didn't realize that I would have pages of subscriptions from which I eagerly await updates. I never guessed that I would be encouraging all of my friends to start blogging (Seriously just try it just once. Everyone is doing it dude. It's super easy.) Or that blogger malfunctioning would make me so freaking angry!!! Bottom line: I LOVE blogs.

I spend too much time in the blogosphere. Reading, lurking, chasing links. Commenting, posting. Maybe it's my slightly addictive personality or my voyeuristic tendencies, but I would like to think that it goes beyond that. So what exactly compels one to blog?

Connection.

For some, blogging is a way to keep in touch with friends and family, a convenient way to share life's happenings. It can provide a means for release, a place where one can vent with freedom or even anonymity. Recounting the day's events becomes a source of clarity. Others blog to network, build relationships and communities. Some blog to remember, others to overcome. Informative, political, humorous, artistic, personal. The reasons for blogging are multifaceted, but the common thread is the desire to feel understood, connected.

I enjoy reading other people's written thoughts and feelings. I find inspiration in their creations, the way that they see themselves and the world around them. Blogging documents someone's journey through life and it opens up perspectives that one may not have been exposed to any other way. It reinforces the belief that one is not alone.

My blog gives me a little place where I reign. It doesn't have a specific focus. It is a little bit of everything, but mostly a lot of nothing. I blog for the interaction (personal and interpersonal) and for the expression. I blog to tell my side of the story. I blog to compartmentalize my emotions. I blog to share. I blog to strengthen my voice. I blog to create something beautiful.

So whatever your reason may be... Blog on!
(Or join in, because really all the cool kids are doing it.)

Hello, My name is Leela.

I am supposed to be studying today.

Come quickly, I'm drinking stars!

Today I ventured out to Ephernay and Reims in Champagne, to do what else other than visit wine cellars and taste champagne. I was going to write about my love of champagne and why it is my preferred drink and about how Ephernay is rivaling Vail as my place for retirement just so my grandchildren can say My grandma lives on Avenue de Champagne. But I decided it was better to stick with some unrelated musing instead.

1. There is a large community of people who use sign language in Paris. At least I think so because I happen to come across at least 1 group of people signing per day. Which supplied the inspiration for my best idea of the week (or month, if I'm unlucky). A good way to avoid unwanted gentlemen callers is to start signing in response to their approach. You don't have to know what you are signing, because they won't know either, so in most cases it will work without fail. Unless your cell phone starts ringing or something.

2. Why was this dude wearing a spinner watch?! I had to take a double take because I had never seen anything like that at all. And dude made sure that people noticed, because he kept on spinning it and everything. Assuming that I was behind the times, I had to google this nonsense, and I found that you too can own your a spinner watch (and there's more where that came from) for the low price of $29. My goodness.

3. I really hate the damn Facebook. You may recall that I was forced to take a hiatus from the Facebook early last year, because it was making me want to stab somebody, and I'm not even a violent person. Well really I had no intention of returning, but everyone kept insisting that it is a good way to keep in touch with people. Peer pressure is a bitch. Although also, I did not want to feel like I let something so trivial get the best of me. No, it's not the Facebook itself that I hate, because it is only a tool. I hate that it reminds me of things that I would much rather forget (i.e. 2005 - Year of the Fool (aka me)). It is also a bit disturbing how some things and people never seem to change.

4. Time is FLYING!!!!! It could just be me getting old, but I feel like time is passing so quickly. I will be home in less than 5 months (theoretically), which always leaves my emotions teetering somewhere between bitter and sweet.

Time is relative.

So apparently I am operating on GMT-3 time, which isn't a problem except that I live in the GMT+1 time zone. I can't sleep at night. I have always been a night owl, but this is getting out of hand. I find myself wide awake at 3 AM, looking at the time, scolding I need to go to sleep. I have to wake up in the morning. But it does no good, because as Jade reminds me "I can never do right." 5 more minutes, I need to finish reading this article. I'm not even sleepy yet. Then finally when I do go to bed, I lie awake distracted by my thoughts, sometimes for minutes, usually for more. I feel compelled to move. When changing positions starts to bore me, I get up to get a drink of water or reapply night lip balm or adjust my bedding. I am restless. My brother has also noted that my teeth clenching during sleep has progressed into audible teeth grinding. This is a problem. A friend has suggested that I try bathing before bed (I'm not too keen on baths) or drinking relaxing herbal tea (which does bring back fond memories of restful nights facilitated by tea and rum...or maybe that was just rum). Whatever the case may be, I need to get my biological clock back on schedule. Speaking of schedules (ignore the fact that it is at least 2 weeks past Boxing Day, this is France), I have been informed that tomorrow the after-Christmas sales will commence. That may just be reason enough for me to go to bed early tonight.

champagne + Lily Allen

Oh Jesus Christ Almighty,
Do I feel alright? No not slightly.

I have tried to think of a way to describe how I have been feeling lately, but I can't seem to get my mind around it. I wouldn't say that I'm sad. Or happy. Maybe a bit homesick. Anxious. Or tired. I don't know. Nothing specific is wrong. All I know is that I don't feel completely right. I don't feel like my normal self (and I'm starting to even question who that is). Worst of all, I have no idea why.

Do you think, everything, everyone, is going mental,
It seems to me that it's spiraling out of control and it's inevitable.

I had a nice time on vacation in Morocco. But Morocco left a bittersweet taste in my mouth. The country is truly gorgeous. The culture is captivating and the people are dynamic and friendly. And the food... But there came a point when I started to realize that the friendliness was not based on genuine emotions but rather on financial gain. And that disturbed me. I realize that the same things happen world wide, but for some reason I took this very personally. I mean is it fair to expect tourists to pay more than a native person, simply because they have more money in comparison and would pay that price in their home country? About as fair as going to a country for vacation and turning a blind eye to their social problems and not being willing to pay more money because you can? I began to lose my faith in the goodness of humanity (myself included).

Don't you want something else,
Something new, than what we've got here.

And as for 2007, I want it to be a year of change and acceptance. There are personal things that I need to change to become a better me. For instance:
I procrastinate. I procrastinate because I am indecisive. I can't make a decision because I overanalyze all of the possibilities. I do this because I am afraid. I fear making the wrong move and failing. I fear failure because I feel inadequate.

A pattern that needs to stop taking me in circles.

Why can't I sleep at night?
Don't say it's going to be alright.

Then there are things about me that I simply need to accept. I have to stop wanting to be someone else. I have to understand that changing my surrounding circumstances will not change who I am. So I guess that finding balance between change and acceptance is my priority. Because I have always been rather good at change, but acceptance (especially of a personal nature) is another story. I have to stop finding fault in everything that is me.

Maybe imbalanced is the best way to describe how I am feeling. Recently I find myself looking around and thinking What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. If any of this makes any kind of sense. My emotions are scattered. Nothing seems stable and I feel like a wanderer. I'm annoyed with my whining.

To celebrate Epiphany, we had a galette des rois and just my luck, I was the one with the fève in my piece, which denoted me as the queen for the day. I wore my paper crown throughout the rest of the evening. And no there really is no grand point here. I'm merely hoping that I'm not as neurotic as I would like to think.

Oh yes, I'm fine.
Everything's just wonderful.
I'm having the time of my life. ~ Lily Allen

there's always next year

New Year's Eve always manages to suck. Not because anything terrible happens, but because it is overrated. I am guilty of buying into the hype and expecting too much from New Year's Eve. I mean, you are expected to go someplace spectacular, dress fabulously, and have the absolute best time to celebrate the past year and start off the next one. People have these elaborate plans set up months in advance. So when you have a normal time which would be considered a good time any other day of the year, on New Year's Eve, it is disappointing. So forget you New Year's Eve, there are 364 other days of the year to party. Plus, what kind of way is it to start off the new year drunk anyway. Okay, now you know I'm just being bitter.

I won't be home for Christmas.

Instead, we are leaving this morning for 10 days of sun in Morocco. Woot! Woot!

so fresh and so clean clean

I got home about 20 minutes ago. I went to the bathroom to do my normal nightly routine which includes washing my face and brushing my teeth. But I couldn't find my toothbrush. Where the hell is my toothbrush? My Oral-B Sonic Complete toothbrush! I have been using this model for over a year now and I LOVE it. I love it because it is extremely thorough. I love brushing my teeth with it. That sparkling clean sensation. Ahhh! So refreshing! (They really should put me in a commercial.) So tonight, I spent a good 10 minutes searching for the damn thing. On the charger where it should be? Of course not. On my desk, in my wardrobe, tossed somewhere among the dirty clothes? No. Perhaps under my pillow or the bed? Nope. Wouldn't you guess that I finally found it sitting in plain view on my armoire. I'm telling you, once you switch, you can never go back to using a manual brush. Earlier this year, I took a trip to LA to visit Jade and I forgot my Sonic Complete at home. I had to use a manual for the duration of the trip. During the day, I would run my tongue along my teeth feeling disgusted with all the grime that I could feel. Ewww. I remember that about 3 years back when I went to India with my Crest SpinBrush Pro (which I do not recommend by the way), I had family members looking at me crazy in the bathroom. Wondering what is that noise? Those Americans, they are too lazy to even brush their own teeth! Seriously though people, it's not even like that. It's all in the name of oral health. Use it and you too will soon discover it is nothing short of AMAZING!

I'm growing up.

Mistakes are not for repeating.

I focus my attention inward. I try to understand my faults and determine where I need change. I accept responsibility (as hard as it may be) for my mistakes and their consequences. I am moving foward and becoming a better me.

A very long time ago, I wrote in my journal that the biggest mistake that I made with the one I can't let go, was not listening. I spent so much talking, explaining, debating with him. Constantly trying to prove something to him, trying to get him to understand my point of view. That didn't leave much room for me to listen to him. Truly listen to him.

I became judgemental and blamed everything on him as a way of maintaining some sense of control in a situation where my emotions roamed without restraint. I had lost control of myself. I was lost. So I continued to talk at him. I couldn't hear all the signs surrounding me (and yes, there were tons), screaming for my attention.

All of these things I hear so clearly now in hindsight.

Now that I am quiet.

And maybe it was his silence that should have spoken the loudest to me all along.

because you love me

Love Actually is probably my all-time favorite Christmas movie. It is a total chick flick and yes, I tear up every time I watch it. I especially love the part when Sam says to his dad "Worse than the total agony of being in love?" Such insight…

Love can be a touchy subject, because everyone has their own definitions and opinions of what exactly love should encompass. Love may manifest in various forms, but there are always some common threads. I can't claim to be an expert on the subject, but for me love is an action that involves acceptance, which comes through knowing someone. And since it is near impossible to know someone without spending time with them, it involves investment. An investment of not only time, but emotion. It means knowing the faults as well as the merits of a person and caring about them nonetheless. It means being there for someone through the good and the bad alike.

So this Christmas I am thankful for my loved ones, for those who have invested in me (and who hopefully feel that I have reciprocated the gesture). I am thankful for my friends and all of the time they spend with me, listening to me, crying with me, laughing with me. I am grateful for their continual encouragement, inspiration, advice, and motivation. For the late nights, the early mornings, and all that is in between. I am happy that they have made the choice to travel and grow with me.
I am grateful for my family. I love my mom for her patience (which I have often mistaken for weakness) and her ability to forgive. She alone has the power to make me feel completely comfortable with myself and my decisions. With her, I know there is nothing I can do that would ever cause her to love me any less. (Although she often feels compelled to add me to the prayer list.) I love my dad for his ambition and persistence, his example is one I strive (sometimes struggle) to follow. In his eyes, I have always felt like the most important thing in the world, because I know that there is nothing that he wouldn't sacrifice for the wellbeing of his children. The world can crumble around me and I would still know that I could depend on him for anything/everything. I adore my brother for his innovation and his passion for life. His ability to find humor in all things (albeit at times inappropriate). I grew up by his side; people used to think that we were twins. There is an understanding that I share with him and no one else.
I even appreciate the relationships that have ended. The love that seems to have faded or has left all parties in tears and regret, without which I may never have grown into the person that I am now. I hold on to the memories of times past. I will never lose my hope in the power of love. Because even when love has led me astray, I wouldn't trade those times for anything else. It's true what they say. Love actually is all around. And I am immensely blessed.

I couldn't ask for anything better.

Is it me or is time flying by?!?! 1 week until Omar arrives!

long overdue

So I returned from London today. It was a really great trip, other than the expected rain, wind, and chilling temperatures. I traveled via Eurostar and I was super excited, because I LOVE trains. I was especially excited by the prospect of travelling underwater. However my vision of looking through the train window and out of the clear tunnel and being able to see all of the sea life of the English Channel was short-lived as I passed through a completely dark tunnel for no more than 20 minutes only to arrive on the other side, thinking I'm in the UK already? I nodded in and out of sleep for the remainder of the trip. Thursday night I had plans to go to bed early in order to better facilitate early rising on Friday, but of course that didn't happen. Instead, I stayed up late, tasting the 3 different types of bas armagnac that I had bought at the salon des vins a couple weeks back. How I ended up with 3 bottles of brandy instead of a bottle of champagne like I originally planned is another story altogether. So here goes... We went to the salon des vins at 11 AM on a Sunday. Tasting wine this early on a Sunday didn't seem like the best idea, but it seemed better than the alternative of having to deal with the crowds which would undoubtedly show up later. So we decided to meet at 10:30 AM. I opted for the drinking method to wine tasting rather than the pouring out technique, because really I hate to see a good drink go to waste. Needless to say by about noon, I was pretty much faded. I ended up buying 3 bottles of bas armanagac from a vendor whose second question (the first being Where are you from?) was Did you vote for Bush? Jade, I still hold you responsible for this purchase with all of your holiday talk of brandy and egg nog. But it did turn out to be a nice buy (although I am still a bit bitter about not getting the champagne). After the salon des vins, we went up to Montmarte and into the Sacré Cœur. Once inside the cathedral/church/basilica (not quite sure which term is most appropriate), I realized that I was toting my bag of alcohol in the house of the Lord, which I deemed a bit inappropriate and quickly made my way back outside. Overall, the building was very beautiful both inside and out and there is a spectacular panoramic view of Paris from the base of the structure.
Back in London, ordering at a Chinese restaurant, the waiter asks what we will have to drink. I reply: I will take water please.
What?
WA-ter.
What was that?
Wat-ER.
You want WaTer?
Yes. WATER. Thank you.
Damn. Is my American accent that hard to understand? But in his defense (because it is obviously not MY fault), english is not his mother tongue. But really now, how many drink choices are there with 2 syllables that begin with a w.
Glad to be back in Paris, where I feel at home.

For interested parties, the rest of the photos from my trip to London can be found on my Flickr site.