Come quickly, I'm drinking stars!

Today I ventured out to Ephernay and Reims in Champagne, to do what else other than visit wine cellars and taste champagne. I was going to write about my love of champagne and why it is my preferred drink and about how Ephernay is rivaling Vail as my place for retirement just so my grandchildren can say My grandma lives on Avenue de Champagne. But I decided it was better to stick with some unrelated musing instead.

1. There is a large community of people who use sign language in Paris. At least I think so because I happen to come across at least 1 group of people signing per day. Which supplied the inspiration for my best idea of the week (or month, if I'm unlucky). A good way to avoid unwanted gentlemen callers is to start signing in response to their approach. You don't have to know what you are signing, because they won't know either, so in most cases it will work without fail. Unless your cell phone starts ringing or something.

2. Why was this dude wearing a spinner watch?! I had to take a double take because I had never seen anything like that at all. And dude made sure that people noticed, because he kept on spinning it and everything. Assuming that I was behind the times, I had to google this nonsense, and I found that you too can own your a spinner watch (and there's more where that came from) for the low price of $29. My goodness.

3. I really hate the damn Facebook. You may recall that I was forced to take a hiatus from the Facebook early last year, because it was making me want to stab somebody, and I'm not even a violent person. Well really I had no intention of returning, but everyone kept insisting that it is a good way to keep in touch with people. Peer pressure is a bitch. Although also, I did not want to feel like I let something so trivial get the best of me. No, it's not the Facebook itself that I hate, because it is only a tool. I hate that it reminds me of things that I would much rather forget (i.e. 2005 - Year of the Fool (aka me)). It is also a bit disturbing how some things and people never seem to change.

4. Time is FLYING!!!!! It could just be me getting old, but I feel like time is passing so quickly. I will be home in less than 5 months (theoretically), which always leaves my emotions teetering somewhere between bitter and sweet.

Time is relative.

So apparently I am operating on GMT-3 time, which isn't a problem except that I live in the GMT+1 time zone. I can't sleep at night. I have always been a night owl, but this is getting out of hand. I find myself wide awake at 3 AM, looking at the time, scolding I need to go to sleep. I have to wake up in the morning. But it does no good, because as Jade reminds me "I can never do right." 5 more minutes, I need to finish reading this article. I'm not even sleepy yet. Then finally when I do go to bed, I lie awake distracted by my thoughts, sometimes for minutes, usually for more. I feel compelled to move. When changing positions starts to bore me, I get up to get a drink of water or reapply night lip balm or adjust my bedding. I am restless. My brother has also noted that my teeth clenching during sleep has progressed into audible teeth grinding. This is a problem. A friend has suggested that I try bathing before bed (I'm not too keen on baths) or drinking relaxing herbal tea (which does bring back fond memories of restful nights facilitated by tea and rum...or maybe that was just rum). Whatever the case may be, I need to get my biological clock back on schedule. Speaking of schedules (ignore the fact that it is at least 2 weeks past Boxing Day, this is France), I have been informed that tomorrow the after-Christmas sales will commence. That may just be reason enough for me to go to bed early tonight.

champagne + Lily Allen

Oh Jesus Christ Almighty,
Do I feel alright? No not slightly.

I have tried to think of a way to describe how I have been feeling lately, but I can't seem to get my mind around it. I wouldn't say that I'm sad. Or happy. Maybe a bit homesick. Anxious. Or tired. I don't know. Nothing specific is wrong. All I know is that I don't feel completely right. I don't feel like my normal self (and I'm starting to even question who that is). Worst of all, I have no idea why.

Do you think, everything, everyone, is going mental,
It seems to me that it's spiraling out of control and it's inevitable.

I had a nice time on vacation in Morocco. But Morocco left a bittersweet taste in my mouth. The country is truly gorgeous. The culture is captivating and the people are dynamic and friendly. And the food... But there came a point when I started to realize that the friendliness was not based on genuine emotions but rather on financial gain. And that disturbed me. I realize that the same things happen world wide, but for some reason I took this very personally. I mean is it fair to expect tourists to pay more than a native person, simply because they have more money in comparison and would pay that price in their home country? About as fair as going to a country for vacation and turning a blind eye to their social problems and not being willing to pay more money because you can? I began to lose my faith in the goodness of humanity (myself included).

Don't you want something else,
Something new, than what we've got here.

And as for 2007, I want it to be a year of change and acceptance. There are personal things that I need to change to become a better me. For instance:
I procrastinate. I procrastinate because I am indecisive. I can't make a decision because I overanalyze all of the possibilities. I do this because I am afraid. I fear making the wrong move and failing. I fear failure because I feel inadequate.

A pattern that needs to stop taking me in circles.

Why can't I sleep at night?
Don't say it's going to be alright.

Then there are things about me that I simply need to accept. I have to stop wanting to be someone else. I have to understand that changing my surrounding circumstances will not change who I am. So I guess that finding balance between change and acceptance is my priority. Because I have always been rather good at change, but acceptance (especially of a personal nature) is another story. I have to stop finding fault in everything that is me.

Maybe imbalanced is the best way to describe how I am feeling. Recently I find myself looking around and thinking What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. If any of this makes any kind of sense. My emotions are scattered. Nothing seems stable and I feel like a wanderer. I'm annoyed with my whining.

To celebrate Epiphany, we had a galette des rois and just my luck, I was the one with the fève in my piece, which denoted me as the queen for the day. I wore my paper crown throughout the rest of the evening. And no there really is no grand point here. I'm merely hoping that I'm not as neurotic as I would like to think.

Oh yes, I'm fine.
Everything's just wonderful.
I'm having the time of my life. ~ Lily Allen

there's always next year

New Year's Eve always manages to suck. Not because anything terrible happens, but because it is overrated. I am guilty of buying into the hype and expecting too much from New Year's Eve. I mean, you are expected to go someplace spectacular, dress fabulously, and have the absolute best time to celebrate the past year and start off the next one. People have these elaborate plans set up months in advance. So when you have a normal time which would be considered a good time any other day of the year, on New Year's Eve, it is disappointing. So forget you New Year's Eve, there are 364 other days of the year to party. Plus, what kind of way is it to start off the new year drunk anyway. Okay, now you know I'm just being bitter.

I won't be home for Christmas.

Instead, we are leaving this morning for 10 days of sun in Morocco. Woot! Woot!

so fresh and so clean clean

I got home about 20 minutes ago. I went to the bathroom to do my normal nightly routine which includes washing my face and brushing my teeth. But I couldn't find my toothbrush. Where the hell is my toothbrush? My Oral-B Sonic Complete toothbrush! I have been using this model for over a year now and I LOVE it. I love it because it is extremely thorough. I love brushing my teeth with it. That sparkling clean sensation. Ahhh! So refreshing! (They really should put me in a commercial.) So tonight, I spent a good 10 minutes searching for the damn thing. On the charger where it should be? Of course not. On my desk, in my wardrobe, tossed somewhere among the dirty clothes? No. Perhaps under my pillow or the bed? Nope. Wouldn't you guess that I finally found it sitting in plain view on my armoire. I'm telling you, once you switch, you can never go back to using a manual brush. Earlier this year, I took a trip to LA to visit Jade and I forgot my Sonic Complete at home. I had to use a manual for the duration of the trip. During the day, I would run my tongue along my teeth feeling disgusted with all the grime that I could feel. Ewww. I remember that about 3 years back when I went to India with my Crest SpinBrush Pro (which I do not recommend by the way), I had family members looking at me crazy in the bathroom. Wondering what is that noise? Those Americans, they are too lazy to even brush their own teeth! Seriously though people, it's not even like that. It's all in the name of oral health. Use it and you too will soon discover it is nothing short of AMAZING!

I'm growing up.

Mistakes are not for repeating.

I focus my attention inward. I try to understand my faults and determine where I need change. I accept responsibility (as hard as it may be) for my mistakes and their consequences. I am moving foward and becoming a better me.

A very long time ago, I wrote in my journal that the biggest mistake that I made with the one I can't let go, was not listening. I spent so much talking, explaining, debating with him. Constantly trying to prove something to him, trying to get him to understand my point of view. That didn't leave much room for me to listen to him. Truly listen to him.

I became judgemental and blamed everything on him as a way of maintaining some sense of control in a situation where my emotions roamed without restraint. I had lost control of myself. I was lost. So I continued to talk at him. I couldn't hear all the signs surrounding me (and yes, there were tons), screaming for my attention.

All of these things I hear so clearly now in hindsight.

Now that I am quiet.

And maybe it was his silence that should have spoken the loudest to me all along.

because you love me

Love Actually is probably my all-time favorite Christmas movie. It is a total chick flick and yes, I tear up every time I watch it. I especially love the part when Sam says to his dad "Worse than the total agony of being in love?" Such insight…

Love can be a touchy subject, because everyone has their own definitions and opinions of what exactly love should encompass. Love may manifest in various forms, but there are always some common threads. I can't claim to be an expert on the subject, but for me love is an action that involves acceptance, which comes through knowing someone. And since it is near impossible to know someone without spending time with them, it involves investment. An investment of not only time, but emotion. It means knowing the faults as well as the merits of a person and caring about them nonetheless. It means being there for someone through the good and the bad alike.

So this Christmas I am thankful for my loved ones, for those who have invested in me (and who hopefully feel that I have reciprocated the gesture). I am thankful for my friends and all of the time they spend with me, listening to me, crying with me, laughing with me. I am grateful for their continual encouragement, inspiration, advice, and motivation. For the late nights, the early mornings, and all that is in between. I am happy that they have made the choice to travel and grow with me.
I am grateful for my family. I love my mom for her patience (which I have often mistaken for weakness) and her ability to forgive. She alone has the power to make me feel completely comfortable with myself and my decisions. With her, I know there is nothing I can do that would ever cause her to love me any less. (Although she often feels compelled to add me to the prayer list.) I love my dad for his ambition and persistence, his example is one I strive (sometimes struggle) to follow. In his eyes, I have always felt like the most important thing in the world, because I know that there is nothing that he wouldn't sacrifice for the wellbeing of his children. The world can crumble around me and I would still know that I could depend on him for anything/everything. I adore my brother for his innovation and his passion for life. His ability to find humor in all things (albeit at times inappropriate). I grew up by his side; people used to think that we were twins. There is an understanding that I share with him and no one else.
I even appreciate the relationships that have ended. The love that seems to have faded or has left all parties in tears and regret, without which I may never have grown into the person that I am now. I hold on to the memories of times past. I will never lose my hope in the power of love. Because even when love has led me astray, I wouldn't trade those times for anything else. It's true what they say. Love actually is all around. And I am immensely blessed.

I couldn't ask for anything better.

Is it me or is time flying by?!?! 1 week until Omar arrives!

long overdue

So I returned from London today. It was a really great trip, other than the expected rain, wind, and chilling temperatures. I traveled via Eurostar and I was super excited, because I LOVE trains. I was especially excited by the prospect of travelling underwater. However my vision of looking through the train window and out of the clear tunnel and being able to see all of the sea life of the English Channel was short-lived as I passed through a completely dark tunnel for no more than 20 minutes only to arrive on the other side, thinking I'm in the UK already? I nodded in and out of sleep for the remainder of the trip. Thursday night I had plans to go to bed early in order to better facilitate early rising on Friday, but of course that didn't happen. Instead, I stayed up late, tasting the 3 different types of bas armagnac that I had bought at the salon des vins a couple weeks back. How I ended up with 3 bottles of brandy instead of a bottle of champagne like I originally planned is another story altogether. So here goes... We went to the salon des vins at 11 AM on a Sunday. Tasting wine this early on a Sunday didn't seem like the best idea, but it seemed better than the alternative of having to deal with the crowds which would undoubtedly show up later. So we decided to meet at 10:30 AM. I opted for the drinking method to wine tasting rather than the pouring out technique, because really I hate to see a good drink go to waste. Needless to say by about noon, I was pretty much faded. I ended up buying 3 bottles of bas armanagac from a vendor whose second question (the first being Where are you from?) was Did you vote for Bush? Jade, I still hold you responsible for this purchase with all of your holiday talk of brandy and egg nog. But it did turn out to be a nice buy (although I am still a bit bitter about not getting the champagne). After the salon des vins, we went up to Montmarte and into the Sacré Cœur. Once inside the cathedral/church/basilica (not quite sure which term is most appropriate), I realized that I was toting my bag of alcohol in the house of the Lord, which I deemed a bit inappropriate and quickly made my way back outside. Overall, the building was very beautiful both inside and out and there is a spectacular panoramic view of Paris from the base of the structure.
Back in London, ordering at a Chinese restaurant, the waiter asks what we will have to drink. I reply: I will take water please.
What?
WA-ter.
What was that?
Wat-ER.
You want WaTer?
Yes. WATER. Thank you.
Damn. Is my American accent that hard to understand? But in his defense (because it is obviously not MY fault), english is not his mother tongue. But really now, how many drink choices are there with 2 syllables that begin with a w.
Glad to be back in Paris, where I feel at home.

For interested parties, the rest of the photos from my trip to London can be found on my Flickr site.

What the _uck is that?

Okay so maybe I feel a bit obligated to provide some sort of explanation so that people don't dismiss me as a complete whack job (or maybe in attempt to justify my derangement idiosyncrasies to myself). It is all too apparent that I am ceaselessly amused by most derivatives of names for excretory matter. Like poop, poo poo, poopie, dookie, doodie, and of course my all time favorite DOO DOOOOOOOOO!!! (which must be spoken with the proper intonation, mind you) No it's not normal. I realize this, but let me explain my theory of why this may be. During my childhood, I never used these words, because I was taught to say BM.
I need to BM.
Where is the BM?
Did you BM today? Yes, this morning.
Ummm, yeah...kind of lacking in excitement there.
At some point there came a realization that other kids were not using this expression. And along with it came the discovery of this vast collection of alternative words.
Why does saying these words, or better yet hearing someone else use them, tickle me so? Why does my brother insist on nicknaming me with the word poop, from just plain poop, to poop diddy, to the specially reserved P – double O – P diddy?
Believe me when I tell you, it's not our fault, we just can't help it! (Well, admittedly the whole P. Diddy obsession is some kind of personal problem of his.) Blame the parents.

It's raining.

I forgot my umbrella at home today. So it rained on my head all day as I traversed through the city. It sucked. But thankfully I am not (yet) sick as a result.
This whole month has been gray and rainy. I don't hate the rain, in fact I find it rather calming and cozy (while indoors). However I prefer consistent changes in the weather. Because I get through the rainy weekdays knowing that the sun always spends its weekends in Paris. This evening I checked the forecast and much to my disappointment, that will not be the case this weekend. I suppose I will have to make do with indoor activities.

Last weekend was especially beautiful and on Sunday I went for a ride on a bateau-mouche along the Seine. Blending in with the other tourists, I held the metal speaker to my ear listening to the historical explanations of le Louvre, les Invalides, and various other points of interest. Afterwards, I walked along the Seine soaking up the sun.

Oh yeah, for Thanksgiving, Madame and I went to a restaurant for Indian food. Oddly, that seemed a bit normal (although not much like Thanksgiving). I had chicken tikka masala (admittedly a non-South Indian dish) and a sweet lassi. Rice-based cuisines always bring me comfort. Although I am still waiting for that sweet potato pie (ahem, Jade!). And I am really missing the frantic shopping the day after Thanksgiving. Ah well...

Your Royal Highness will suffice

Yesterday morning while waiting for class to start, the English girl in my class tells me:
I had a dream about you last night.
Moi: Really? What happened?
Elle: You were the queen, like the queen of everything in the world.
Moi: Oh wow.
Elle: Yeah except you were a wretched, awful queen. You treated all of the people badly and punished everyone.
Moi: Oh no! That is so terrible.
Elle: Yeah, it was strange. Because I was thinking she is nothing like that.

And right she is, I would treat my subjects with nothing but kindness.

how to get a boy to like you

...in 2 easy steps
1. Find someone to tell the boy that you like him.
2. Do nothing and watch as he begins to like you.

Not that I have ever done this, it's just that it always seems to work on me.
Really though, is it just me or has this happened to anyone else? Your friend tells you that a friend of hers that you have recently met likes you. Yeah girl, my friend really likes you. He is a really sweet guy. You did not find this friend unusually appealing. Not that you think anything is wrong with him, you just didn't think anything of him. Your feelings were neutral. But after she tells you that he likes you, that starts to marinate in your mind and you find yourself thinking hmm... he likes me, okay. Well maybe I could like him too. She said he was really sweet. He did seem really nice and he likes me. As if the fact that he likes you must mean that something about him is great. He has excellent taste, so that's a good start. Here's where that crazy planning commences. He can take me out and we can do xyz. Yes that will work, and then... But then you actually see him and he doesn't overtly act as if he likes you. So you are wondering, wait a minute, I thought he liked me, what happened? He is supposed to like me! And perhaps by now you maybe sort of like him a little bit (it doesn't matter that this is only the second time that you have seen him because you have your mental image of him... and the 2 kids and the yearly vacations to the Seychelles, no wait! just kidding!)
Anyway maybe this only happens to super indecisive people with overly active imaginations. But I'm sure I can't be the only one.

a day filled with gifts

I am finally in possession of the ever elusive carte de sejour. Yea! It only took 4 visits to the office at Cité Universitaire, tons of paperwork (which never seemed to be completed just right, hence the need for 4 separate trips), and a 1.5 months wait for a medical exam. The exam consisted of me following orders that were being yelled in my direction (in a very non-sterile environment). Standing on a scale. Covering one eye at a time and reading letters from far away and words from close up to test vision. Stripping naked from the waist up to have a chest x-ray. (By the way, I am now the proud owner of said x-ray, which I'm told will come in handy...) Inhaling and exhaling. Answering medical history questions. Forty minutes, a few tears, and 55 euros later the card was officially mine.

Tonight I went to the Daniel Swarovski Autumn/Winter collection Poetic Night show. The collection was gorgeous. The decor was beautifully done. Everything was very sparkly, notably the champagne (which may be why this post is a bit rambly and full of adjectives/adverbs with -ly endings). Best of all, I received a bag of take-home goodies! Yeeeessss!

and more gifts

A pair of healthy non-smoking lungs.

These pictures definitely do not do the show much justice. Sorry. The lighting was dim and I'm not much of a photographer.

Or videographer, it seems.

..yawn..

My weekend was maybe a bit less than exciting. Or if you prefer rather serene. Although some would flat out call it boring.

I had plans to go to Fountainebleu on Saturday, but unfortunately the weather prevented that trip. So I went to the movies instead and saw Prête-moi ta main, which was very funny, and it convinced me that I need to learn all the bad words (not to say them of course (so don't add me to the prayer list just yet...or at least not for this), but to be able to recognize them.) I returned home, ate dinner, and then watched OSS 117 (parody of James Bond, with a stereotypic french guy; also funny).

Today began with a late brunch*, followed by an old ass season 4 episode of ANTM and some studying. Fill in the blanks with some other activities equal in liveliness...

Other unrelated life news: Lately I find myself addicted to yogurt. I can't get enough. Greek yogurt with honey. Creamy yogurt with crème de marrons. Yogurt flavored with fruit. Between yesterday and today, I have consumed 5 containers of yogurt (not those little yoplait types either). I must have the healthiest vagina this side of the Mississippi Seine. Fact.

* Some may argue that a late brunch is nothing more than lunch. But I conserve the title brunch since it consisted of breakfast-type foods and it was the first meal of the day served in that I just woke up atmosphere.

where my heart used to be

I guess that I never got over it the way that I thought, since it is bothering me again. This calls for reflection (not to be mistaken for obsessive over-analyzation.)

A long time ago, he called me heartless. Heartless.

Defined as: unfeeling; devoid of compassion or feeling; unkind; unsympathetic; harsh; cruel; pitiless.

(To be fair, he called me a lot of other things, but this particular word has stuck with me for whatever reason. That reason might be because maybe some part of me fears that he may have been right.)

Heartless?!? Me?! Seriously though, heartless?

But he's not the only one that has felt this way. I have been told that I can be standoffish. At times distant. Sometimes those who should, do not feel close to me. Is it just part of my character? Am I a private person? Or is that an excuse offered to avoid change?

None of the above.
I don't want to be a cold person. I am not heartless. And I definitely don't go out of my way to be mean to people. I care about the people in my life deeply. So what's going wrong? Apparently the problem must be that I don't show it in a way that is received well. I need to do something about that. Which means I have to make an effort to express my feelings and affection. Because I want my loved ones to know how much I care about and appreciate them. I need them to not only know it, but be able to feel it. This has really been tormenting me lately. (It's probably not helping that I keep listening to Ice Box by Omarion and wondering if that is how I am. Although that is not the same situation really. So I can safely assume no.)

Not to imply that I am in any way evil or that I would like to turn into a boy, but writing this made me think about the Care Bears movie. Remember at the end, when Dark Heart turns into a boy and changes from evil to good and he starts turning cartwheels?

Bottom line: Please be patient with me. I'm working on it. Why? Because really...I care! I care! I care!

I like pretty sparkly things.

Diamonds.
Jewelry.
White teeth.
Lip gloss.
Christmas lights.

I spent the afternoon browsing through the many floors of le Printemps. I love Christmas time! There is something inexplicably comforting about cold weather and winter time in general. Although I love the energy of summer and all that comes with it and I dread having to trade the light casualness of summer and fall wear for the bulk of layered outfits and dry skin. Until winter time actually descends, I never remember how much I love it.

In other news, I must be shedding my signature clueless look for something more cosmopolitan, because people are always asking me for directions. And today, I actually had an answer (apart from Je ne sais pas. Desolée.). Say what?! You know what that means! There is hope for my sense of direction yet.

out of fear of sounding too emo

I will keep this to a minimum.

This past week has been draining. I'm not even sure why.
I suppose I let my anxiety get the best of me.
But tomorrow is the start of a new week.